It is very strange being involved in the two worlds. I AM a baby loss mom. No matter how many children I have, I will always miss Rosalynn. However, I am a new mom to a beautiful living baby girl here on earth as well. Because of my loss, I have very strange fears. For instance, my biggest fear is that I will trip UP the stairs, drop Ava, she will fall down the stairs and die. I probably check her breathing a few too many times in the middle of the night, and wake up scared if I look at the clock and it has been more than 4 hours since the last time she cried....always having that small thought in the back of my mind "This is it, this is when GOd will take Ava as well". I don't think that will EVER stop. I will always have the fear of losing another baby, no matter how much time goes by. HOWEVER, there are some things that I think I stress over LESS than the typical first time mom BECAUSE I have experienced a loss. I don't freak out about Ava's crying. I don't mind being woken up multiple times in the middle of the night, living on limited sleep, and I actually smile when I turn on that light and see her pretty face. I don't freak out about every little red mark on her butt, if she goes a day or two without pooping, and am not completely upset that the breast feeding is already coming to an end. Yes, I am disappointed, because I wanted to make it 6 months breastfeeding, but my body had other plans. Even though I am a little sad, I am happy I have a living baby to feed...even if it is formula. Every problem/issue seems insignificant in comparison to losing a child.
I think this is where I have issues relating to the new moms on some online forums. They will complain and blow little things out of proportion, and I just want to reach through the screen and shake them and tell them things could be SOOOOOOO much worse! I want to tell them all to be THANKFUL they got to bring their first born home with them. But then I have to remember that I probably would have been the same way had we brought Rosie home. I would have probably complained about the small stuff. The LOSS of Rosie helps me appreciate EVERYTHING with Ava. It is a very strange road I walk between the two worlds.
I think Foster also struggles with this same issue. When a friend of his asked how the sleepless night were affecting him, his response was, "It is so much better than the alternative," but yet he will moan and groan like any first time dad when Ava does wake us up in the middle of the night. I think sometimes we feel like BECAUSE of our loss we are no longer allowed to moan and groan, and we feel guilty after a moment of frustration. But realistically, I know that is not the case, because we are human and we will have "First time parent moments".
To my BLMs: how do you balance the two worlds, and how do you cut yourself a little slack when you have those feelings of guilt after a moment of frustration?
Ava had her one month doctor visit last week. She was measuring 7lbs6oz and 20.75 inches long. She has grown ALOT in 1 month! Her little personality gets bigger and bigger every day. She is also staying awake for longer periods of time, which is alot of fun for me, because I love making faces at her, playing w/ her on her play mat, and seeing her BEAUTIFUL blue eyes.
Here are some photos of Ava from the past week:
|LOVE how she stretches out when sleeping!! lol|
|That is my best friend's belly! She is BITING baby Cole!!! lol thinks boys have coodies already!|
|Auntie Bug and Ava|
|play date w/ baby Gabe/future hubby...lol|