Another Precious Child is in Heaven

I hate that this post is the reason I am writing on this blog today. I SHOULD be writing every day about the accomplishments of my beautiful rainbow baby. I should be keeping up with this blog more....but then something so heartbreaking hits me out of no where, and my fingers want to type...want to trickle the pain through the keys on my laptop and write it all out on this sacred space.

My family has gone through yet another tragedy. One of my cousins (not to be named for privacy reasons...and good luck guessing, I have over 50 cousins!!) Has suffered the most unimaginable loss a mother can endure. She gave birth to a precious baby who had already went to heaven. 

When you go through a loss like this, all you ever pray is that no one close to you ever has to endure the same pain. It stinks when any baby dies, but most of the women I know I met AFTER their babies died, not before. I never got to know who they were BEFORE their lives changed forever. I became part of their lives after that life altering day. I always say "There was the Erin before April 20th 2010, and there is the Erin after...and they are two VERY different people." And I met the "after women". But in this case, I knew the before....and am all too aware of the journey she and her family are about to embark on. The roller coaster ride known by the name "grief". The questions, the guilt, the pain...and I would NEVER EVER EVER wish this upon my worst enemy.....so the fact that it has happened to a family member......I have no words.

The Erin after April 20th, 2010 isn't naive and blissful anymore, I know babies can die now. The Erin after does not judge rude, stand-offish people, because now I realize I never know what they have endured in the last 24 hours. I live each moment as if it is my last, and never take one minute for granted with my beautiful daughter Ava. The Erin "after" still feels a pain in her heart that will never go away...a crippling, sharp pain, that although has gotten easier to bear with time, is still a constant companion. My first thoughts when I see or hear of a new pregnancy is STILL "don't get too comfortable, ANYTHING can happen".....horrible, I know, but an uncontrollable thought that creeps in without my control.

I cannot BELIEVE it has happened to my family again. I cannot believe that they are about to meet their "After September 6th" selves. All I want to do is wrap them in my arms, and take this pain away from them....but alas, as we all know, no one but God can do that. I please ask that you all pray for my family. Pray for my cousin...that her heart is filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding. That God wraps them all in his arms and takes some of the pain away...or at least shares in their pain with them. 

And for you my dear cousin:

You have supported and loved me through the last 2.5 years. Although miles apart, your words of encouragement and prayers have not gone unnoticed. Please know that I am here for you when YOU are ready to talk. I will listen. I love you, and my prayers are with you.