My Family!!

My Family!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut Any Longer!

WOW!! There is soooo much controversy over the loss of Michelle Duggar's baby girl in the general population, the baby loss population, AND the infertility population.

I wasn't going to write about any of this, but I feel like I have read and seen too much to keep my mouth shut! Unfortunately, her pregnancy, loss, and now memorial service is becoming BAD publicity for the Baby Loss Community instead of raising Awareness like soooo many of us have been trying to do.

First, there was controversy when she conceived:

I read comments from the infertility community stating "she has 19 kids already, is pregnant AGAIN, and all I want is ONE!"
~I understand the want to bring home a child, and the pain and envy that courses through our hearts when others get pregnant so easily...HOWEVER, just because so-and-so gets pregnant with their 5th, 10th, or even 20th child...they did NOT steal that pregnancy from an infertile. Just because they got pregnant again, does not mean there is one less baby allowed in this world. Her pregnancy does not effect any of our current, past or future struggle with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc.

The stillbirth/preemie community made comments such as, "Didn't her last pregnancy with Josie teach her it is time to stop?"
~ Yes, Pre-eclampsia stinks! Yes, she is more at risk with future pregnancies...should she have called it quits? Probably. But, she got pregnant again, and instead we all should have just been praying for this new life instead of judging.

I expected comments like these from the general population, because they don't know any better. To many of them take getting pregnant/staying pregnant/healthy babies/pregnancies and raising children for granted. However, I was soooo upset to see these comments from my baby loss/infertility community, because Michelle WAS a BLM prior to losing Jubilee..she had a miscarriage with her 1st or second pregnancy that made her and Jim Bob  vow that they would have as many children as God would bless them with.

Then she lost Jubilee:

I noticed those same people who made negative comments now having feelings of guilt....but then there were comments that REALLY pissed me off! One in particular came from a support group of mine (not specifying which one or who said it, so don't ask) "One preemie, and one think she would take it as a sign from her body to stop."

Really?!?!?! I have 1 stillbirth and 1 preemie under my belt. Should I take this as a sign to stop having children? I know I don't have 19 others, and I am not in my 40s, but the woman's body is made to carry children...MANY children. My grandmother had 13...with a few losses in between. I know tons of Amish families in my home town that have close to 20+ children...and I am sure they have all experienced losses, and many of them continue having children into their 40s. IT IS NOT OUR PLACE TO JUDGE. Instead of giving the Duggars grief, who are financially supporting all of these children without government help may I add, why don't we say something about these families I see come into the ER with 4-5+ children, no jobs, on welfare, and pregnant AGAIN??!?!?

Even worse, there were people in the world who pretty much CELEBRATED the loss of this baby girl. I cannot even imagine being Michelle. My heart goes out to her. To have people ridiculing you and celebrating your loss when you are going through the most difficult thing a woman could go through. I know this is one of the downfalls to being in the public eye, but this is sooo upsetting that the public would be this cruel.

Then her family decides to have a memorial and pictures taken by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, an amazing organization who specializes in maternity and newborn photos of terminal pregnancies and babies that are born still:

This is where I had to finally put my foot down and write. the photos that were taken are beautiful, tasteful, and memories that the family will cherish forever. I don't care how small or early Jubilee was, her family deserves to preserve those memories, and we are not in any place to judge. Our modern, western society does NOT know how to handle death. In the Victorian ages, they used to pose their dead on couches and take pictures with their living relatives sitting next to the deceased. Babies born still and even infant deaths were photographed in their mother's arms and in their cribs. These books were cherished by their families.

Death is talked about and celebrated and REMEMBERED in other societies. Dia De Muertos (The Day of the Dead) is a Mexican Holiday where families celebrate and remember their loved ones. But in the US, we are expected to "get over it", "move on", etc. Moving on does not mean we need to forget or get over it! Luckily my friends and family know better than to tell me to "get over" Rosalynn. One person had the nerve to tell me this about 3 months out from my loss, and they were met with one angry momma!!

This whole situation which could have been used to help raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss has bred nothing but negativity. I feel as if the whole baby loss community is being bashed through this process as well.

I am heartbroken for Michelle, and I hope she stays away from all of the negative comments. I hope she never reads them and just revels in the good memories of her precious baby girl.


Amber said...

AMEN, SISTER!!! I don't frequently verbalize my feelings about the Duggars, especially to my fellow infertiles, because I am in the minority. I have no problem with them. Yes, they are super-fertile. But as you said, their fertility has no effect on my INfertility!! Yes, they have 19 children. And they are paying their own way, not using public assistance. And they are teaching all of those children that helping others is one of the greatest joys in this life. Oh, the horror!!

If only we had more parents like these in the world. We wouldn't be in half the trouble we're in.

There, I said it too. Kudos to you for speaking out!

Jen said...

BRAVO! I couldn't have said this any better myself!

Sarah said...

I am SO GLAD someone else feels this way!!! I've been tempted to post about this myself. I have been absolutely horrified by all the comments I've seen online. I feel terrible for their family and I hope that they are able to stay away from all of these negative comments. Never in my life have I seen people practically celebrate the loss of a child. It's cruel and heartless.

I, for one, was very glad that they were able to have photos of their little girl. They never got to really meet her or know her and at least they'll be able to remember her through these photos. To be perfectly honest, I think that if more people shared these kinds of photos, abortions would be far less common.

Jennie Exposito said...

Very well put! I have heard the negative hype around her loss and its quite ridiculous. I have one preemie and one loss and now one full term baby. Thank you for this post, many more ought to read it!

Holly said...

I so agree with you! I was apalled by some of the comments by BLMs when we should be the ones showing our support!

I don't know why so many people have a problem with this family

bjejvj said...

Oh my gosh, I had no idea people were being so awful about/towards their recent loss. After reading your very honest perspectives, I can see how some in our BLM communities have disappointed and upset you. I'm sure their loss hurts just as any of ours do no matter how many children they have or how many they will have after this. Hopefully the negativity doesn't paint too dark of a picture of our need for a stronger voice. (Hope you don't mind my random comment. I'm in one of your groups and read your blog sometimes but never comment. ;) )

Eboni said...

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize people were being so awful about their recent loss. I can understand why the reaction of others, especially other BLMS, would be disappointing and upsetting to you. Their loss hurts just as much as any of ours do. It shouldn't matter how many children they have or how many children they will have. Thanks for your honest perspective. Hopefully the negativity around it all won't paint too dark of a picture because we really do need a voice.

And hopefully you don't mind my random comment. I'm in one of your communities and read your blog sometimes but never comment. ;)


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