First Hurdle Cleared!! First U/S Pictures!

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. (1Samuel 1:27)

Well as you know, the much anticipated ultrasound appointment was today. To say I was nervous was an understatement. It is tragic what a loss does to you. Last time I was walking in for a first trimester U/S, I had no fear. The thought of a molar pregnancy, a blighted ovum, or no hear beat neaver crossed my mind. I fully expected to walk in and see my little one moving aroung with a strong heartbeat. Not this time!

This time I was awake until 2 AM watching episodes of "Bones" and "House" in order to keep my mind occupied. I tossed and turned and prayed the rosary four times. I'm sure it didn't help that Foster was out of town, and the only company I had was my two furbabies, but I could not settle my thoughts. In times like this, knowing too much information can be a detriment.

Since Foster was out of town, I aked my sister to accompany me to my appointment. She is a NICU nurse, and I figured she could make sure to aske the questions I might have forgotten. She met me there at 1:30 and we headed up to registration. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to vomit the entire morning. We sat.....and sat.....and SAT! My MFM office needs to learn that making a nervous mamma wait is not the best thing to do. I paced and fidgetted and talked WAY too much. My poor sister was probably ready to tie me down to the chair and tape my mouth shut! The aide took me back to check my weight and BP, and suprisingly, my BP was 118/64!! I figured it would be sky high from all my anxiety. Then after an hour of waiting, they finally called me back to the u/s room.

I undressed from the waist down, and hopped up onto the table. It was a little nerve racking, because the last baby u/s I had was the one that told me my daughter's heart had stopped. Granted, it wasn't in this office, but I was a bundle of nerves.

The tech got the internal probe ready, and as she proceded to start the u/s, we immediately saw a gestational sac. As she moved a little further in, the fetal pole was visible. When the fetal pole became visible, there was the most beautiful sight an expectant mother could see, the flutter of the baby's heart! Bug's hand tightened around my hand which she had been holding since the beginning of the exam, and we both had tears well up in our eyes. Our smiles spread from ear to ear, "There it is!" I exclaimed.

"Nice and strong, and beating away," the tech said. "I am so happy, because I was nervous with as early as you are, the heart beat would be intetectable," She made a few measurments, "143 beats per minute. That is wonderful! You are measuring 2 days behind you estimated gestational age, so that makes me even more suprised we were able to see a heart beat. Hold on one minute," she said. She explained I was measuring 6w5d as opposed to 7w as she moved the wand and isolated the heart, "Hold REAL still and quite," she said. Then as we all held our breaths, we heard it, "WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH" the little heart beat!! It was too soft for me to pick up on my phone recorder, but it was fast and strong. I could not contain my excitement. I asked the poor tech a million and one questions, one I KNEW she couldn't answer, but instead we had to wait for the doctor's answers. She printed me up seven copies of me little pumpkin, ended the exam, and escorted us to the doctor's office.

Dr. C was amazing. I was a little annoyed, because I had to remind him I had a 34w4d loss, and not a 20w loss. I don't know where he got that number, but I will give him some slack, I know they just started a new computer system, and it has been over 8 months since he has seen me last. He confidently mentioned about taking the baby early. When I mean early, I don't mean 38 weeks, I don't mean 36 weeks; he said he would feel confident pumping me full of steroids at 33 weeks, and taking the baby at 34w3d, "Our biggest concern is getting that baby out of that environment safely. "We're not going to go crazy and take the baby at 28 weeks, but as big as Rosalynn was at 34w4d (5lbs12oz) I am confident everyting would be just fine. We are concerned about your anxiety. You may feel okay now, but as 34 weeks gets closer, PTSD can set in." Although they are keeping my

If he is comfortable about this, I am comfortable with this. I debated awiting and seeing if I could take the baby closer to term, but God forbid I decide to try for 37 weeks, and something happens at 36! I would never be able to forgive myself. My sister says that they rarely see an issue with 34 weekers, and often see them go right back to their moms after a thourough check from the NICU.

All in all, the appointment went well. I did forget to ask a few questions, like am I on any restrictions thus far, but I will call the nurse in the morning to double check with him. I still plan on taking it easy, but I have a new pregnancy work out video I was looking forward to trying out after the doctor's approval.

Here is our very first picture of Pumpkin! I LOVE how this baby is already cooperation with mommy. He/she really knows how to make me happy!

Pumpkin's first picture!!

My mom says Pumpkin looks like a Gl.ow.wor.m. For those of you who aren't old enough to remember Gl.ow.wor.ms, this is what they look like:

BIG head on top, LITTLE SKINNY body! I can see it:-)

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I was driving in my car listening to the radio when Brad Paisleys "Letters to Me" came on. For those of you who don't listen to country, it is a song about a guy who talks about what he would write in a letter if he could send it to his 17 year old self. It got me wondering what I would do if I had the same opportunity. So, here is my letter to myself:

Dear 17 year old Erin,

I wish I could warn you about all the bad things that are going to happen in your life so that you may avoid the hurt and disappointment, but I am not going to. You see, every mistake you made and every pain you feel from here on out will turn you into a happy, faith-filled, loving woman.

First and foremost: LISTEN TO YOU MOTHER!! She is actually really smart. She is going to warn you NOT to get credit cards when yo turn 18. LISTEN TO HER! The ONLY exception to this is when she suggests you give a certain guy your number. Give it to his friend thirty minutes later. I PROMISE, it all works out the way it should.

When it comes to men, you will date some doozies! I mentioned that I wouldn't tell you what to specifically avoid, so I want you to date all of them. Why? Because when you do meet your future husband, you are going to appreciate him so much more than you would if you met him without dating all the jerks. With that being said, you can learn your lesson from the chef after the first year. Don't keep going back to him, seven + times!!! The four years you stay will just be constant disappointment and a repeat of the first devastating year. This is the situation you should heed the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me!"

You do things your own way. You are going to take 11 years to get your bachelors.  You will join the military. You are going to get yourself in debt (unless you follow my first lesson). But you WILL finish, you WILL enjoy it, and you WILL pull yourself out. The one thing I must say, is that you have been pretty persistent, and you try to keep a smile on your face the entire time you do it.

Remember JJ? How about your sister Bug? I know you and JJ have been friends for years, but you only see her 1-2 times a year. Well, you will end up living together, and becoming inseparable. Your sister and you fight like cats and dogs right now, but once she hits college, you and JJ and Bug will become three peas in a pod. Where one goes, the other two follow, and between the three of you and your guys, you will create your own little family unit. It is the most amazing feeling! Sure, they will infuriate you at times, but they will be there for you at your darkest moments.

You will be a mother. Your first born will change your life in ways you could never imagine, and take you in directions you would never have gone without her. Trust me. It will be a life changing experience.

Friends will come and go. Just like Carl Jung says, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." People come into your life for a reason, if only for a few moments; but people grow up, they move on. Those that are worth anything will be there for you when you need them most. You find this lesson out after a tragedy. People came out of the woodwork, and some girls you have not spoken to since high school become your biggest resources and supporters. Plus, you don't always need to meet people in person to become great friends. This same tragedy causes you to meet some amazing women on the internet, and a lot of them have become some of your closest friends.

Please, amongst all things, stay true to yourself. Stay close to God. By the time you are 29 you will feel like you have lived three separate lifetimes, but will be a better person because of them. Just keep that smile on your face, continue your positive attitude,  treat people the way you should, and you will be just fine.

See you soon!
29 year old Erin

If you could write a letter to your former 17 year old self, what would you say? What advice would you give?

The Waiting Game With Hope...6w5d

That is what this past couple have weeks have been for me. Every time I have a slight cramp or feel something "Down there" I rush to the bathroom expecting it to be the end of this pregnancy. I have been having nightmares of someone trying to poison me to kill my baby, and have woken Foster up numerous time. I believe he told me I woke him up with my screaming 3 times in a matter of thirty minutes! For the most part, while I am awake, my mind is at ease, and I am at "peace". I don't know if it is the fact that I know that at this point, if anything were to happen, that there is nothing anyone can do about it, or if i truly have a feeling that everything is really going to be okay.

I may sound a little anxious right now, but can you even imagine how I am going to be the closer we get to that 34 week mark.

I have a feeling everything is growing as it should in there. I have to believe that the all day nausea is a sign that Pumpkin is growing big and strong in my belly. Reduced Fat Cheezits and Diet Sprite have been my best friends. No vomiting yet, just debilitating nausea at times. Foster has been a trooper and helps me out when I am feeling too "yucky" to move from the couch.

He also gets to see my "ladies" grow by leaps and bounds, but does not get the pleasure of getting to know them! I am not taking any chances with this little Pumpkin until my doctor gives us the thumbs up. (Sorry mom if that is too much information!)

I found myself a pregnancy work out video to bring with me for approval from my doctor on Thursday. I also bought a very exciting piece of work out equipment. I figured that since I can't do push ups anymore, and should not be lifting too much weight, I had to figure out a way to have sexy arms still. So......I bought the SHAKE WEIGHT!! HAHAHAHA Foster is STILL laughing his head off, and I seem to be the center of his amusement now. You just wait, when the rest of my body has become lumpy and dumpy, I will have the sexiest arms in Ohio! I did about 15 combined minutes with it yesterday, and honestly my arms are SORE!!!

Please say some prayers that we see a strong heart beat on Thursday, and Pumpkin is growing big and strong. I am playing the waiting game, but my biggest supporter is Hope right now!

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

TONS Going On!! Sorry I Have Been MIA

Sorry I have been a little incognito lately. I have to admit, I am in a sort of limbo. I am waiting. Waiting to know if everything is okay with Peanut, waiting to see if it ends before it even really began. I am waiting to see that little heartbeat and waiting to see how many little peanuts are in there. Foster is CONVINCED that we are having twins! His theory is that if God can answer my prayers for getting pregnant, than He can answer Foster's prayers of getting pregnant with twins!! I think he is nuts, and I would probably freak if Foster DID get his prayers answered. No, I am not on fertility treatments; remember I was supposed to start Clomid if this last cycle was a bust. He also mentioned that my belly is popping out already. Thank you Foster for pointing that out!! I am only 5w6d and my belly looks like it did when I was 16 weeks pregnant, getting married with Rosie in my belly. I know they say your second makes you bigger faster, but this is really ridiculous!!! My pants still button under my belly, but not around it. I am afraid I am going to be transitioning to maternity clothes sooner than later, and am very glad that I let everyone know we are pregnant, because if they didn't know, they would think I was just getting FATTER!

I feel like I want to be excited about this pregnancy, but am nervous all at the same time. If you remember the friend I talked about that found out she was pregnant a week before I did? She went in for her first ultra sound, and everything seemed fine, only a few days later she started bleeding and lost her Little Bee at 7 weeks. We have talked, and I expressed my fears since our journeys have been so similar. Her response was "This is where our paths will diverge. do not waste a minute on worry. Love that wee one!" I have to say she made me cry. She is so strong and such an inspiration to me and all the other Baby Loss Moms out there! I hope this is where our paths diverge, but until I see this little one on U/S in 8 days, I am going to be a little nervous. I also hope that she will soon be expecting again as soon as her body is ready. Please send a few prayers her way!!You can visit her at her blog "Valentina in the Sky".

As I feared, I have lost a few followers. I have gained a few more, but sadly have lost a couple. I knew my announcement would be hard on a few of my BLMs. Some are just in a different place in their grief, and seeing pregnancy announcements are just a little too hard.

We have been pretty busy! The kitchen demo has commenced!!! I figured I would post the process on here. The demo was yesterday, the electric today and tomorrow, the drywall on Thursday and Friday, and then the cabinets go in next week. Here are my before pictures:

I will miss that bench/corner eating area!! that is about ALL i will miss about this kitchen!!

This white has been a pain in my butt to keep looking clean!!!

fluorescent lights anyone?!?

you see that hideous border and "backsplash'?!?!

Electric stove circa 1970!!

tthe floor may not seem TOO bad, but it is TOO light, and a cheap pergo (I think i saw it for 67 cents a yard @ the store!

This is  what I am living with now! My microwave is in the formal living room, and this is what our dinners have consisted of:

Eating out, paper plates and bowls, plastic cutlery, and cups are what we have been eating out of because I have no sink to clean them in. We have been eating in our living room and letting other people cook for us  because THIS is what my kitchen looks like NOW!!

Nice Butt Foster;-)

why so dark? because there is no electric in this part of the house right now

 I am thrilled to see the finished project. I will keep you all updated, and when it is all said and done, party at my place!!!

Guest Blogger

I wanted to direct you all over to a fellow military wife's blog. Her husband is currently on R&R, and while they are enjoying time together, she asked me to make a contribution to her blog. As usual, I told a story that I have never shared on here, hoping all of you will visit her, and maybe even follow her (if you aren't already). So hop on over, and see how I communicated with Foster when my cell phone was taken away @ basic training and he was in Iraq! Click Here: A Blog A Day While You're Away

Therapy, Prayers and Symptoms

We are all aware that I will be getting the best medical care in the state of Ohio, however there was one aspect of my journey that my OB's nurse was concerned about. Although Dr. C (My high risk doc (MFM)) will be medically the best, the office is so busy, and see so many patients, that my OB (Dr. P) and her nurse (Shar) are worried I wouldn't have the personal attention I crave. In my OBs office, they are so friendly and will let me talk to them for an hour or more at visits. They have been so understanding and supportive, and they are truly afraid that the new MFM office may not do the same. If you know me I LOVE to talk, and when things are bothering me, or making me nervous, I tend to talk even more. So, Shar suggested that if I wasn't already seeing a therapist, that it would be a good idea to start.

Well, I never stopped seeing my therapist. She has been a God send! It is great to have someone listen to me without interruption and focus only on my problems for a whole hour. I was so excited to actually bring her good news this yesterday.

Foster doesn't share my views on therapy. He thinks I should be "cured" now. He thinks that still seeing a therapist is somehow a bad sign, or a sign of weakness. I tried to explain to him that I just like talking to her and it made me feel so much better every time I left. We talk about my nightmares that I still have on almost a nightly basis, we talk about my feelings and now my fears for this new baby. Foster claims that he is here for me to talk to also, but I tried to explain to him that it is not the same.

I have to admit, getting told I was not deploying was a HUGE factor in my anxiety relief. I felt like there was this HUGE weight lifted off my chest, and that I could breathe for the first time since Rosalynn died. I was finally able to focus on her and my healing as opposed to getting prepared to ship out. Also, I am slightly surprised at the LACK of anxiety about this pregnancy. If I had gotten pregnant right after our loss, I would have probably requested to be admitted to the mental ward for 9 months. Now, I think I am ready. I think I am emotionally and physically prepared for whatever is going to happen with my little pumpkin. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but it is definitely as bad as I had expected. I am sure that will change the closer to the end in the third trimester.

I am realistic this time around. I WISH I was still naive about pregnancy, but I know better now. I know that one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage, so I am not out of the woods with that. I also know the statistics for stillbirth and almost all the causes for it. Along with this awareness, I have such a better appreciation for each day that passes that I am still pregnant with Pumpkin. It is a miracle....a TRUE miracle! Every night at dinner, Foster and I start our prayers by saying "Thank you God for letting us be pregnant another day". That is how I am doing this, the same way I dealt with Rosie's death; second by second, minute by minute, day by day, and hopefully eventually week by week.

One thing I promise to you all here and now, is that you will never hear me complain. Not about nausea and vomiting, pain, headaches, or anything else. If I ever mention a symptom, it will be to inform everyone what I am experiencing right now, or to ask advice if something is normal. Other than that, I will embrace this pregnancy and everything it has to throw at me with open arms, for God has answered my prayers and I will eternally be grateful for that.

2 weeks from today I will be having my first U/S. Today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant!! Please, your prayers are still very much appreciated!

Symptoms up to week 5:
Low blood sugar feeling if I haven't eaten in a while.
HUGE boobs and sore
the slight pangs of growth in my belly...not painful, just twinges from time to time.

10DPO.

you see that VERY faint line!?!?!?!?!?

I wanted to share this post with all of you....it has been hidden in my "vault" since the day it happened. I posted this on my support group the night it happened to get their advice, but was not ready to announce it to the word...that came after the blood test confirmed! I know, I am sure you can't see the line without tilting, and squinting, but I promise it is there, and I promise I took TONS after this one, but this is the first test that let me know Pumpkin was on his/her way!!! here is the post from that night:

 10DPO (days past ovulation)


I got really light headed yesterday and today when I had not eaten in a few hours, and I was REALLY irritable last night (no normal for me, i have the patience of a snail usually when it comes to my husband). So, when the nausea/lightheaded hit again only 2.5 hours after eating a small lunch, I decided to break down and test. I peed in the cup, dropped a few drops, and waited. I waited about 1-2 mins and when there was not pos sign, I walked away. I went back in about 15 mins later to throw the test away, and there is DEF a faint pink, positive line.
So, I immediately got a First Response test out, and took another one...BFN...and I thought FR was more sensitive, but it was with a different urine.  And of ALL the HUNDREDS of tests I have taken from other people in the ER with the QuickVue, I have NEVER had a false positive, and never had one appear as an evaporation line at the hospital(we let those thing sit on the counter for hours after testing). I don't want to get too happy, I don't want to get anyone else excited, but even my hubby saw the faint pink line.....ugh! I think I will just retest tomorrow morning w/ FMU and hope I get a darker line than today. It would just be too perfect if this was my month.....there is NO way my life works like that! I only have 2 more weeks of school (one finals week), we are just about to remodel our kitchen, which last time we scheduled to have our kitchen remolded, we found out we were pregnant with Rosalynn so we canceled, we were SUPPOSED to start clomid next month if I wasn't pregnant, and I was NOT looking forward to that, AND my EDD would be my birthday (NOV 17th) IF i got pregnant this month! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray that I get a darker line tomorrow morning!