A Secret Society

Ten months ago today I unknowingly joined a secret society, an elite group of strong, amazing people. They have the biggest hearts, the most caring natures, and they didn't know they were in the club until their fateful day. You don't need money to join the club. In fact, this club doesn't care if you are rich or poor. You don't need connections, to "know the right people". Honestly, the current members of the club hate it when a new member joins, not because we don't like them or think we are too good for new members, but because we know too well the pain the new member had to endure to join our group. The only criteria to enter is the loss of a child. Unfortunately, no matter how hard a non-member tries, they can never come close to imagining the pain that all of us have gone through.
When I joined the Baby Loss Club, I was so inspired by how these parents had survived, because I know at one point I felt that all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. I wanted nothing more than to meet my baby girl, my beautiful Rosalynn, to hold her and kiss her and play with her, all the things that moms of living children get to do. However, my broken heart was slowly being pieced back together. Each one of the women I have met, each heart wrenching story I have listened to and shared, helped glue a piece of my heart back together. I am not alone in this. My heart will not ever completely heal and there will always be a piece waiting for me up in heaven, but my fellow baby loss mothers have helped guide me through this journey.
Please do not get me wrong, friends and family have been a HUGE part of my journey, an immense support system. However, there have been times that I have felt all alone in this journey. Not for lack of people reaching out to me, but because I could not imagine anyone knowing how I feel. This is where my BLMs have come in. Just like any journey one takes, wether it be the loss of a parent, infertility, adoption, cancer, you feel less alone when you find that secret club, that group of people that know exactly what you are feeling and thinking, because they are thinking and feeling the same thing. They are on the same journey as you are.
If I don't say it enough girls, I love you so much and thank you. Your spirits are so uplifting. You have helped me through some of the darkest times, and lifted me up when I have fallen. Some of you I am blessed to have met in person, some I have spoken to on the phone, but the majority of you I have only known through the internet, and yet you have all become some of my closest friends. I hate what we all had to go through this, but I love that we have all found each other. If I never get to meet some of you in person, I look forward to the day we will all get to meet in heaven (lets hope this is a LONG time from now) where all of our angels play together now.

Rosalynn,
Baby girl, your birthday is quickly approaching, and not a day goes by that mommy does not miss you. I hope you are having fun with all of you angel friends. I hope they throw a HUGE birthday party for you up there in heaven, because we will be throwing you one here on earth. You have changed me Rosie. you have transformed your mommy in ways I never thought possible. Thank you for being a part of my life, and allowing me to be your mom.
Butterfly kisses and hugs!
Mommy

Senior Shoot Take Two

Yesterday I had the pleasure of taking the photos of a very bright, funny girl. Kim is a senior, and on her way to college to study psychology. She wants to work with kids with Autism. She is quirky, as you can tel in her pictures, often sporting two different colored shoes or sock, but usually you can find her barefoot. I had a lot of fun with her, and these are just a few of about 100 really good pictures I captured of her.

Of course I had to have a little fun with Photoshop!

This one was fun!

Stay tuned for the baby shoot I did right after this shoot, and then I have yet another senior shoot today!! Let the memories begin!

Another Twist In The Road

I know the saying "everything happens for a resason" is so cliche, but I had something incredible happen this week that makes me stop and think if it holds some truth.

About five years ago I signed up to be a bone marrow donor. I donated a little bit of blood, and was placed in the registry. Up until this point I had yet to be called, however all that changed a few days ago. I noticed about four months ago that the registry still had my parent's address as my address, so I made sure to go in and update everything. Four months later, I am filling out an update on all my medical information because I may be a match for someone. One of the questions it asked was "Are you pregnant or could you become pregnant within the next six months?" Of course I answered yes, because lets face it, Foster and I have been trying VERY hard to get pregnant. However, I made sure to add in the notes that if they draw my blood for the more in depth testing, and find out that I am indeed a match, we will stop TTC immediately.
I would give up a few months of trying to start my family and giving Rosalynn a sibling in order to save some one's life. Can you imagine being responsible for saving some one's mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, or son? I help save lives in the ER every week, but this is a little different. I would have a single connection with one other person in this big world because MY marrow would be responsible for saving their life. If I can spare one family from the pain of losing a loved one, than I will gladly refrain from trying to get pregnant.

I will also endure the pain of a HUGE needle going into my hip, a few days of pain and recovery in order to save some one's life. It makes me wonder if maybe I was not meant to be pregnant yet because I was meant to help give a "new life" to a stranger. Makes you wonder doesn't it? Does everything happen for a reason?

I will keep you updated on the process. The next step is to stop by and give a little more blood for them to test it more closely, and then I should hear soon after that.

Here is a little treat. I have been practicing with photo shop and edited a few of the baby shoot pictures I took. I was playing around with the black and white with one singled out color effect. I think they came out pretty good for my first time!
Enjoy!

Before



After



Before



After




After (the before didn't want to download for some reason)

 I know they are not HUGE differences, but I like the effect, and can't wait to do more!!



Irish Eyes Photography

March 20th (do you notice important dates for me always seem to fall on the 20th of the month?!?! I swear my next child will be born of the 20th of some month.) is quickly approaching. This will be a monumental day in my life...I will be graduating! This will open an enormous amount of time for me. I won't have to worry about studying, going to class, etc. This means I will have so much more time to dedicate to the things I have become passionate about, my photography, my writing, and my Roses from Rosalynn! I am so excited.
I am attempting to build my photography portfolio. I am testing out all categories: newborn, family, engagement, senior, and maternity photos. I have had no problem getting family, senior and baby shoots. In fact, I have four senior shoots this week and one newborn shoot. I am over the moon excited. However, probably because I have been trying to avoid pregnant bellies for months now, there does not seem to be a pregnant woman around anywhere. They have all disappeared and the ones that are pregnant are not going to be ready for pictures for 20-30 weeks. That's a long time to wait.

My goal is to have five solid shoots in each category prior to charging people. I can really tell the progression of my own pictures, it is really amazing. I am taking my very first formal class this spring. I have been learning from my mentor and others, reading books and doing my own research, but I feel there is a certain amount of natural talent you have to have, the rest is all technical details like lighting. My mentor has offered to allow me to use his studio at no cost, as long as I don't charge my subjects. He is going to teach me how to use all the lighting and equipment, and as soon as I start charging, I can rent it out by the hour.

Foster jumped on the bandwagon this weekend. He compiled a slide show of all of my shoots thus far (I am going to TRY and figure out a way to download it on here:-). He also designed business cards for me. You are probably wondering how can I have a business card if I haven't even named my business. Thanks to my brilliant aunt, she came up with the perfect name: "Irish Eyes Photography". I checked so far, and there is only one Irish Eyes Photography, and it is in Maryland and they don't seem to have the rights to it, so I hope we will be able to gain rights through the State Commerce. I think it fits perfectly! It makes me smile, because my grandmother used to sing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" to me when I was little, and Foster thinks I have the most beautiful green Irish eyes.

So, come one, come all and let these Irish Eyes capture some precious moments!

Just One Day Out of the Year??!!???

It's Valentine's Day....for those of you who may have forgotten. I have to say, I have never really gotten excited about this holiday. The last time I got excited is when I was in grade school and loved filling out those cute cartoon covered paper cards, making sure to write just a little more for my crush of the year:
Kindergarten-3rd grade: Brett
4th grade: Joseph
5th grade: John (he was a 6th grader so I didn't make one for him...he would have thought it was lame!)
6th grade: Roc (Mrs. Joe...you remember him!)

and I think we stopped this tradition in middle school. We would all bring in a bunch of cookies and pink frosted cupcakes, get all hopped up on sugar and caffeine and then head home with our homemade "mailboxes" full of goodies. I would just pray that I received a Valentine from one of the aforementioned crushes.

Being a military spouse, I have unfortunately spent too many Valentine's Days away from my love, and so we have come up with a new tradition. We treat everyday as if it were Valentine's Day. We try our hardest to show how much we love each other, and spend every moment together as if it were our last. We don't need one day out of the year to remind each other how much we love one another, we let each other know 365 days a year. Sure, I would love jewelry or chocolates, but my husband likes to surprise me randomly through the year with things like this. So this year we are just spending the evening together. We may share a bottle of wine and cook a nice meal, but most importantly, we will just enjoy some much needed time together.

I could not have asked for a better husband and valentine. I don't need a paper card with cartoons from my crush this year, because I am married to my crush:-) My challenge to you all, is treat every day like Valentine's Day. Show the ones you love how much you care about them every day of the year!

Welcome...and Sad to See You Go

So I noticed I have picked up a few more followers, and also that I have lost some people. It is sad to see people drop from my friend list, but I understand that some people have to move on.  I lost a few after my last post about drill weeknds, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, especially my military spouses and members out there. I want to clarify something, I love my country and I love the Army. The problems I have are not with either one of these. Prior to losing Rosalynn I thought I was invincible. Nothing could hurt me, and I was willing to callenge life. My priorities were completely different. Since April, my life was turned upside down, and everything has changed. The other night when I was writing that post, I was crying as I told David how upset and angry I was how things have turned out. Not just with losing my child, but with how let down I have been by my unit. I feel like that kid who has been completely let down by their parents. Before I joined, and when I was in training, my perception of the military was they would protect their own. I was convinced that if I was ever in trouble, they would be like family.

I cried because I had felt abandoned by the family I thought I could rely on. This is enough to make anyone feel angry and bitter. Foster and I have mulled over different plans of action; discharge for depression, asking to be transfered to a different unit, etc., but I am going to stick it out. I am not a quitter. I mentioned we have a new First Sergeant and a new Comander. Although I have not yet talked one on one with the new commander, I have talked to the 1SG and I hope he is passing on information to my CO. From the looks of it, this new leadership seems to be more in tuned with my ideals of what the military should be, my second family. I feel like I have renewed hope. I am praying that this is not like the abandoned child who gets their hopes up when their deadbeat father comes back for a week or two, promises to stick around, buys the child gifts, and then ends up leaving again. I am optimistic that this is a situation where a new leadership means new priorities. So far it seems good, but I am not going to get my expectations up too high.

For those of you who just joined me, I promise I do not complain and whine in every post. I am actually a pretty upbeat person for everything life has thrown at me this past year. I have been married to the man of my dreams, my prince charming, for a little over a year now. We are a dual military status couple. He is active duty in the National Guard, and I am a traditional guardsman. I am a full time student 5 weeks away from graduating with my bachelors in Psychology, and I work full time in and emergency room, which I absolutely love.....most of the time. On April 20th, 2010 Foster and I lost our first and only child, Rosalynn @ 34weeks5days gestation, a mear 3 weeks from our scheduled c-section, to stillbirth. Three weeks after that, Mama Red, Foster's best friend's mom passed away the night before Mother's Day. She was like a second mother to him. Three weeks after that, MY best friend's mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. She was a light in my life for the past 29 years. She was one of the most selfless, caring, Christian women I have ever known, and when in six weeks three very important people in my life passed, I was rocked to the core. I have been tested in so many ways. My faith, my marriage, and my sanity have all been tested these past 10 months, and I feel like I have come out stronger. My marriage has flourished and somehow become stronger that thitanium, the devil has not won in his pursuit of tearing me away from God, and my sanity....well, the jury is still out on this:-)

I thank you for joining my journey as I find ways of coping with my grief through writing, photography and my new non-profit project "Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Peas". I have met so many amazing people through this blog who have enriched my life more than I could ever have imagined. Please do not be a stranger. I love comments and try to respond to any of you who take the time to write me (as long as you have the setting that allows me to reply by email to your comment on.)

A "Breakthrough"?!?

I had my own little revelation today. I notice that right before drill every month I get anxious, and filled with dread. I never really could put my finger on why I feel this way. It's not like we do a whole lot that would cause stress on drill weekends; we take a PT test every month, and then maybe have a few classes or paint walls (we did a LOT of painting this weekend!!). You would think it was the easiest "job" in the world. As a junior enlisted, I have no responsibility other than to do what I am told, sit around chatting with other junior enlisted, and wait until the leaders decide to let us loose for the night.Yes, I get paid for this. Drill weekends should be almost a "vacation" from my normal, hectic life.

 First Sergeant called me in to his office this afternoon. He wanted to check on me. Let's just say I took an email very personally that was not his intention and he was a little worried about me. As soon as he asked "How are you doing?" and really meant it, the waterworks started. They always do when someone REALLY wants to know how I am doing. I had held it together all weekend. Sure, I had complained a little here and there about the endless painting we had to do, or rolled my eyes when we were told to move a set of filing cabinets for the fifth time BACK to the original spot they were in, but if I didn't complain, I wouldn't be the typical junior enlisted soldier now would I? However, once I looked into his eyes that were genuinely filled with concern, I lost it. The talk was good, and I was grateful that with as little time that he has in a weekend, especially with a deployment on the horizon, he took a few minutes to check on me.

As I jumped into my car to head home to enjoy some homemade chili and football with Foster, tears started streaming down my eyes. It occurred to me for the first time that it was a Sunday after drill, very similar to today, that my last full day with my Rosalynn was unknowingly coming to an end. I had been in civilian clothes because I was soooooo big, and the only thing my commander asked was "Finny, why are you in civilian clothes?" I guess he had forgotten about the 5 times I had requested the maternity ACUs but had yet to receive . As a health care provider (a nurse practitioner in his civilian life) you would think he might have been concerned about my overly swollen legs, the feet that were so swollen that only flip flops could fit on them. You would think at the very  least he would have asked how the pregnancy was going, or offer to finish the final signatures pertaining to my discharge that I was holding in my hands. However, "Why are you in civilian clothes?" and "I will sign those later," were the only things he said to me. I spent most of my time with my feet elevated in the office, and only got up to pee, heat up some food, and to let everyone feel my belly when Rosie got the hiccups for the first time ever. One of our radiology techs (who I currently also work at the hospital with) sat down concerned and told me he was worried about my swelling and the pregnancy because he had just recently been witness to an ultrasound where a 36 week pregnant woman was told the baby's heart had stopped. He told me to pay close attention to the kicks. I giggled uncomfortably and reassured him that I would be fine, and if I noticed a decrease in movement, I would be sure to call my OB. This conversation is one of the main  reasons I noticed she wasn't moving so early on.

As I was driving home from drill, I realized that I think I resent that place. Not the people, the PLACE. Every time I get in uniform and go to that armory, I am reminded of what I lost. Even if I went all month without crying or thinking badly about my loss; even if I went all month with positive, wonderful things happening, and no sad or angry moments; even if all month I was able to NOT think about the immense pain that sits in the middle of my chest (not likely, but we can always hope), I am ALWAYS reminded of those last days every time I put that uniform on and head into drill. The same uniform I used to love donning and was proud to zip up and walk out the door in, is now a uniform that is a constant reminder of my loss every time I put it on. It is not one of those good reminders, like seeing a rose in bloom or hearing a song that makes me smile in remembrance of my daughter. It is one of those painful reminders that makes me anxious, depressed, and even angry.

In therapy this may be considered a "breakthrough". I have realized one reason for my anxiety, now it is a matter of figuring out how to deal with all of this; but for now I breath a sigh of relief for yet another drill weekend passing, I look forward to the next few weeks of not thinking about going back, and in a few weeks I will start to mentally prepare myself again for yet another round.