No Truer Words Were Said

“Do not judge bereaved parents. They come in many forms. They are breathing, but they are dying. They may look young, but inside they have become ancient. They smile, but their hearts sob. They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work, they ARE, but they ARE NOT all at once. They are here, but part of their heart is elsewhere for all eternity. “ -Unknown

I came across this quote, and could not have said it better myself.

No matter how much fun I am "having" I constantly feel an emptiness inside of me. Unless I am talking to or around other Baby loss moms or Foster, I never feel like the people I am with fully understand the pain I am CONSTANTLY feeling. A perfect example of this is in Chicago this past weekend. I was at a tailgate party in a bar for my favorite football team, OSU, with two of my favorite people on earth, Bug and JJ. Yet it was not the same. It was not the same as last year when I sat drinking water instead of beer because I was pregnant, enjoying the games with my friends. This time I felt a loneliness even though the entire bar was full of people. I felt self conscience, and even a little bit anxious when strangers got into my personal space. I smiled on the outside, but I was out of place and not happy, inside I was screaming.

I am coming up on my 29th birthday and our one year anniversary. However, I feel like I have lived a lifetime and should be celebrating my 80th. I feel like Foster and I have been married for ages and should be celebrating our 50th. We have gone through so much in our first year of marriage, and it has made us stronger, but it has aged us. You will no longer find us seeking out nights at the bars with friends, or crowded parties like other 29 and 30 year olds. Instead, we enjoy small groups and intimate nights with just the two of us.

I cook, I clean, but not with as much passion as before. I work, but as a shell of my former self. I walk, and everyone knows that I talk...ALOT....but most of the talking is out of anxiousness now a days. Before you could not get me to shut up because I loved talking about life in general. Now I talk to avoid the awkward silences and to make people think I am okay. Honestly, I also talk to keep off of the subject I want to talk about the most. I want to talk about my daughter. About how much I miss her, how beautiful she was/is, about how ticked off I am that it is getting closer to winter and her headstone is STILL not in. I want to talk about her so my biggest fear does not come true, that I will start to forget her. People don't always want to hear about this stuff. I feel so bad for my family and husband. They get an ear full because they are the only ones I feel comfortable talking about her to, and I feel that there are times they may not want to hear about her.

A part of my heart is gone. It resides up in heaven with my precious angel, and I will only get it back when I join her. Other children may come into my life, but I will always miss my first born. I will always be very aware of her absence no matter what the occasion.

Rosalynn....."until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hands."

My Voyerism and Exhibitionism Finally Paid Off!!

I was planning on posting about my second day in Chicago today, but it will have to wait because I had a very pleasant surprise today. In blog land I follow a lot of different blogs. I follow Baby Loss Blogs, which have led me into finding some amazing blogs on adoption and infertility. I also follow a lot of military wives' (milies) blogs. A few of them actually overlap. I of course have my favorites, the ones I like to call my "blog crushes". As soon as I log on, I filter out those blogs and get updated on them before reading the other updates. Imagine my surprise when I received an email from one of my "crushes". I was ecstatic just to see her name pop up into my INBOX, but I was over the moon when I read why she was contacting me.

Her husband is an officer in the Army, just like Foster, and they are PCSing (moving in civilian terms) to a new base. They happened to be passing through my city in approximately three hours and wanted to know if we wanted to meet up. As I checked the time of the message, I noticed I still had about 2 hours, so I called Foster to see what he thought. I explained to him why this woman was so important to me. You see, not only is she a fellow Army wife, but she also lost her daughter Olivia around 36 weeks gestation about 9 months ago. She was one of the first blogs I started following. She seemed so strong and she inspired me, because I had Foster home to help be my rock, but 2 weeks after she lost Olivia, Priscilla's husband had to return to Afghanistan. I immediately had a huge amount of respect for them as a couple. PLUS this was not their first loss! Reading her story made me stronger.

To top it all off, it just so happens that Foster had today off of work because he had just returned from a grueling trip of white water rafting and needed a day to recover. It could not be anymore perfect! We could have a double lunch date! When Foster agreed, I called Priscilla and we made arrangements to meet.

About two hours later, we walked into Olive Garden and I recognized them right away. Once again, just as I was nervous about meeting Holly from Caring for Caleigh , I was just about as nervous to meet James and Priscilla. However, those nerves dissipated quickly as we all started talking. Of course our children came up, but we talked about so much more. We talked Army, moving, dogs, and more. Foster and James had a lot in common, and I found out that Priscilla and I have even more than I thought in common. As if being mommies to angels, dog lovers, blog writers and wives to officers wasn't enough, we both majored in Psychology. It also took her quite a while to finish school, so she completely understood why I was still not finished.

After numerous bowls of soup, bread sticks and salads, we headed out to the parking lot to meet one of my favorite characters on her blog, their basset hound Obadiah (Oba for short). He makes me laugh so hard when I read stories about him, and I was honored to finally meet the little man in person. He is just as cute in person as he is in pictures, and he just LOVED Foster!!

Although we will be living hundreds of miles away, I hope to continue a friendship with this family, and I pray that both our families will be blessed with a healthy, beautiful bundle of joy soon. I am so happy that we got the opportunity to enjoy a meal together and get to know each other, for it is such a blessing to have people like these in our lives.

Visit her beautiful blog, and get to know Priscilla, James and Oba, at Missing Olivia ~ missingolivia.blogspot.com, and I am sure you will understand why their story has been such a huge part of my healing.
Thank you Priscilla for the wonderful surprise!

The Three Amigos Take on Chicago Part I

WOW! It has been quite a busy few weeks. I can honestly say I do not want to go anywhere else for at least a couple of months. I am not so patiently waiting the call from Foster telling me that he and the boys are on their way home from white water rafting. I miss him. I have seen him a total of about 16 hours in the last 2 weeks and realize how strong I am with him around.

JJ Bug and I had quite the adventurous trip to Chicago. We left of Thursday afternoon, and I thought the biggest problem I would have on the six hour trip would be my upset stomach. I truly felt bad because Bug and JJ were trapped in a car with the gassiest girl around. I think it may have something to do with the high fiber in the WW diet. I should have seen it coming, however. I should have known that a long car ride could not go without an obstacle or two when us three girls get together.

Bug slept the majority of the trip, so imagine her surprise when she woke up and we were parked in front of an Advance Auto store. JJ and I had pulled off an exit to grab a quick cup of coffee outside of Indianapolis, approximately half way through our trip. As we were heading back towards the highway, we were stopped at a red light when the driver of a minivan to our left started to rev it's engine. JJ took this as a hint that they wanted to race. We knew there would be no competition because she drives a SAAB with a turbo engine. When the light turned green, JJ stepped on the gas, and within seconds we were already way past the minivan. As the car's turbo kicked in, I heard what sounded like rocks under the passenger side wheel. We slowed down as we approached the on ramp of the highway, and all of the sudden her dashboard started flashing "Battery not charging, please pull over safely and call SAAB."

"Oh crap, I think your alternator belt broke back there," I stated as JJ did a U turn back towards the shopping center.

"How do you know?" she asked.
"Well I heard something drop, and I figured it was rocks, but I think it was the belt falling."

We saw an auto parts store on the left and pulled in. As JJ entered the store to get a service representative to assist us I popped the hood and glanced down and noticed the belt missing. Sure enough, after the diagnostic machine was hooked up, it confirmed our fears. This is about the time Bug woke up and tried to make sense of the whole scene in her groggy state. Lucky for us, there was a repair shop about two blocks from the auto parts store. We prayed the car would not drain of power before reaching our destination.

The mechanics were so accommodating, and had the SAAB all fixed up within an hour and had us safely back on the road. I have to admit that it was a blessing that we broke down close to all of the necessary resources. We could have broken down in one of the twenty mile long stretches of nothing but fields and windmills in Indiana or Illinois. After our six hour trip turned into almost eight, we were relived to make it to the hotel.

As we let the valet take our car, we wheeled our luggage into the W. Instantaneously I felt completely out of place. We walked into a very trendy, upscale, modern hotel. I was dressed in cargo capris and t-shirt. Bug was once again awake, and in RARE form. Her hair was a little disheveled and she was sporting a pair of athletic shorts and a tank top. JJ was the only one who remotely looked like she belonged.

After checking in, our first order of business was to clean ourselves up and check out the accommodations. Although our room was a little cramped, it had some great details like plantation shutters that looked right into the bathroom. Unfortunately, it did not give much privacy for showers or other bathroom duties, but when they were open, they gave the illusion the room was bigger than it was, allowed for conversation between rooms while we are all getting ready, and of course made for some great pictures:


Then there was the view. The view made up for the size of the room. Imagine waking up to this every morning. I was blessed to get to wake up to it for three mornings, and now envy the people living in the apartment building next door.

We were all a little tired from the trip so decided to stick around the hotel. We poured ourselves a few cocktails, and set out to explore. The W had a great rooftop bar, unfortunately it was all enclosed. I would have loved to enjoy a drink on an outside patio thirty-three stories above Chicago. We decided since the rooftop bar was not yet hopping, that we would mingle in the lobby bar. We were each given a complimentary drink and made ourselves comfortable on one of the couches. Soon I noticed everyone getting quiet as the energy started to fade and you could tell JJ and I were exhausted. Bug was not of course, because she slept the entire trip. We returned to our room and were lame the rest of the night, jumping into our PJs and watching a movie. We figured we would conserve our energy for the next two days worth of adventure. If the trip up was any indication of how the rest of our weekend was going to be, we would need all the energy we could get.

To be continued....

Girls Weekend and "New Blog Friday"

As you are reading this right now, I am in Chicago with my two best girls. It is a much needed "girls weekend." Foster is off gallivanting around in the back woods of West Virginia. He and Ky. Mr. JJ and Mr. Red are all enjoying a weekend of White water rafting, drinking, and camping.

This time last year it was Foster and I rafting the New River rapids. I was jumping off 30 foot cliffs and braving Level 5 rapids while unknowingly being pregnant. I was about 2-3 weeks pregnant at this point, but it is just one more adventure that Rosie was present during. It was at this point where I noticed weird things happening to my body. I was EXTREMELY gassy, and thanking God that Foster and I had just gotten engaged, because I finally felt semi-comfortable passing gas in front of him. I was braving the dark, bug infested woods to get to the porta-johns 5-6 times each night to use the restroom. I figured it was because I was drinking beer, but a few weeks from now, I would find out it was because I was expecting.

Foster was planning this trip WAY before we lost Rosie. HE wanted it to be his later "bachelor party". I was intending to stay home with the baby, and letting him enjoy a man's weekend away. So, when we lost Rosalynn, Bug and JJ decided we had to do a girls weekend since our guys would be gone. Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited to be here enjoying time with the girls, but I officially have seen my husband 2 days in the last 2.5 weeks. I miss him, and wish we had all gone down to WV together with ALL of our friends. However, I know JJ better than most, and she would not fare well in the wild. Instead, we are staying in the luxurious "W" hotel overlooking Michigan Lake. We have a day full of shopping and drinking ahead of us. THAT is her kind of vacation.

When I get home I will make sure to update you on all of my adventures. Until then, if you are not sick of me yet, hop on over to "The Infertility Overachievers" Where my quaint little blog is being featured as "New Blog Friday". I am always honored when I am asked to be featured on someone's blog. So hop on over and check out my post and her blog. She is definitely an inspiration!



P.S. A lot of people in real life have been BEGGING for Foster's next entry. As I mentioned earlier, he has been out of town for 2.5 weeks. He is wanted to add some feelings from when he wanted to go for a run, and when he held his daughter for the first time. As soon as he gives me the thumbs up, I will post. I promise I have not forgotten about it though!

A Year Flys By and General Update

I apologize if I have not been around as much lately. I am used to posting three to five posts a week, and I have been slacking.

I believe some of it may be due to the fact that my schedule has become so hectic. We had trips and weddings, and now we are leaving for yet another trip. Foster will be going white water rafting with the boys in WV while I head to Chicago for a shopping trip with JJ and Bug.
Also, school started back up today. I am taking 15 credit hours, and have 2 more quarters to graduate! Thank God, I see a light! Foster is working towards his masters, and has been swamped with homework lately.

In other words, life is happening.

Yes, we are still trying to conceive, and as we are fast approaching all of the milestones from Rosie (the day I found out I was pregnant, the day that we told my family, etc) my want to be a parent becomes stronger and stronger. I know this is bad for when you want to conceive. The more you want it, it seems the less it happens. It is always those people on birth control (like myself a year ago) or those couples who have been trying for years and finally just "give up" that find themselves pregnant. I am hoping that school and work will keep me so busy that my mind is distracted from the TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

It is amazing how fast a year passes by. One year ago today I was pregnant but not yet aware of it. It was also a year ago that we found out that Mama JJ had pancreatic cancer. Now both Rosie and Mama JJ are gone, and we are all left picking up the pieces and trying to heal.

Here is hoping that this next year brings good and happy news. That this year is a year of blessings and prosperity for my family. We need a good year.

A quick update, Kam and I are in the process of planning a silent auction to help raise money for Back in His Arms Again. If any of you know anyone who would be willing to donate to the auction, please let me know. When it gets closer and we have more info, I will inform all of you when it is, so you can attend if you want! All of the proceeds will go to the ministry for helping families like Foster and I who have lost a baby and educating the hospital staffs in the area on how to handle the situation with compassion and understanding. Some of the money will go to families, and some of it will go to changing our website and pamphlets to be more ecumenical as opposed to focused on Catholicism.

I finished my first draft of the article that will be posted in the National Guard Magazine. I think I may also submit the article to Military Spouse Magazine also. My friend is in the process of editing my first draft, but personally I think it is an entertaining article.

I have revised and rewritten 4 chapters of my first book, while brainstorming my second. I am looking into publishing companies to send my first manuscript to when it is finished, or at least 80% finished, and I have been given some tips from a fellow Baby Loss Mom whose book will be on shelves by December. Keep your fingers crossed.

I talked to my First Sergeant, my Brigade Commander, and a few others in my chain of command about the regulation change in the National Guard regarding pregnancy. We are all moving forward and I have their support. It is always a plus to have a female Colonel backing you up.

The policy for my work will be under review for next years changes. I missed this years deadline, July, but they are hoping it will go into effect next July. I have written letters to our congressmen an women to back me up, and add support to my case when it goes back up to the board next year. However, I will not be sending it out to the offices until after the elections in November, because I would hate to have to send them all back out again because new members are elected and current members are out.

Isn't it Ironic??

It would be fitting that today, September 20th, I would finally get an email with the finilization of Rosalynn's headstone. Now it will take 6-8 weeks to go in the ground. Great! it will not be in by my 6 month deadline! Do not think that just because I did not mention it in this morning's post, that I somehow forgot that today marks five months since my precious daughter grew angel wings. As I have mentioned numerous times, I think of her all the time. For instance, I was looking at my military ID on Sunday, and realized that the date that I swore in was April 20th 2008. Interesting how that had never crossed my mind since my daughter died. I was always proud of the day that I enlisted. April 20th had always been a day of pride. I also knew that it meant that 6 years from that day would be the day I could decide to re-enlist or get out.

It is interesting how my priorities have changed. What used to be the biggest accomplishment in my life so far, being a soldier, has taken a back seat to being a mother to an angel and the want to be a mother to a living child here on earth. Even the day I enlisted is now overshadowed by the death of my Rosie. When I realized this, I had to laugh at the irony.

WW Meeting #2

Well, i promised I would keep you updated on the weight loss, the good, the bad and the ugly. I was fully expecting to go in, get weighed, and not see any improvement. I was just on the low carb diet, and my body has officially been able to eat carbs for the first time in 2 months. I was afraid I would gain before I lost. However, I have been feeling really good about the diet. It has made me feel healthier and that in turn makes me feel happy. I told Foster yesterday, "I am really proud of myself for dong so well on this diet. It is so easy."

He agreed, and added, "I will also be really proud of you when the weight starts coming off."

As I have said before, he believes I am beautiful as is, but he knows I have not been happy with myself.

Well, Foster can officially be proud of me on this diet. I lost 5.6 pounds in the first week!

I know this is not going to be typical. I know that I will be lucky some weeks to lose .2 pounds, but I am bound and determined to lose every week. even if it is only .2 pounds. This week is going to be a challenge. I am leaving for Chicago with JJ and Bug for a much needed girls weekend. However, I figured as long as I plan my meals, and get a good amount of walking in, I should be ok. My goal is to not gain any of the 5.6 pounds back.

What a great way to start my week! I will be in a good mood the rest of today!