Roses From Rosalynn and Project Sweet Peas Fundraiser

For those of you who are friends with me on facebook will be driven nuts over the next few weeks by this announcement:-)

For those of you who are NOT friends with me on facebook, first; shame on you, and second; this is for you!

Roses from Rosalynn is the project I started in memory of my daughter. the non-profit project is a "daughter" project, or local project to Project Sweet Peas which is the international organization. A few times a year we have big group fundraisers. This time we chose to do a t-shirt sale.

This is where BOTH of my loves, Roses from Rosalynn  and my photography came together. They needed a picture to put on the front of the shirt. It needed to show the love that a parent has for a child without having a specific person on it. We wanted it to be personal. I submitted a photo I took during a newborn session with a friend of mine and her son who also spent 6 days in the NICU, like Ava. The picture was more than just a symbol of parental love, it was also personal because it was of a family that had suffered and persevered through the roller coaster that is the NICU.

Well, my photo was chosen, and God willing, will be worn all across the nation as a way of promoting awareness of stillbirth and NICU struggles.

We have shirts for both NICU and Angel parents. They are not that expensive, and even if you haven't lived through a loss or a stay in the NICU, you can still purchase a shirt that says "I Support Project Sweet Peas" and support this great organization. Also, to you NICU nurses, there are shirts that say "I am a NICU nurse" or "I Save Sweet Peas" that are PERFECT for you!!! There will be a spot on the form that asks what project you are supporting. If you don't mind, please specify Roses from Rosalynn, because I will get credit towards my project.

 http://projectsweetpeas.com/2012Tshirts.aspx

Thank you all in advance. please feel free to message me if you have any questions. Also, IF there is enough interest, we will be making child sized ones and onsies, so PLEASE let me know if you would be interested in buying one in those sizes, and I will get back to you if we have enough interest to produce them!

Grief...the Complicated Companion

Grief is a complicated companion to live with. Once I think I have is figured all out, once I think I have learned to live with a slightly heavy heart, it bites me in my butt.

This past Friday was the one year angelversary of Mama JJ. For those of you who joined me within the past year, I wrote about her here and here. On the Wednesday prior to her day, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was driving home from work in the morning, and the song "If heaven wasn't So Far Away" came on the radio. Tears started streaming down my face. Day dreams of visiting Rosalynn and Mama JJ and My Granny started running through my mind.

When I got home, I sat at my desk and the frame that holds a copy of Rosie's U/S picture and two pictures of Foster and I on our wedding day with the saying "All because two people fell in love" across the bottom stared back at me. I started sobbing. Uncontrollable, heaving sobs. This is probably the first time in months that I have cried this hard. I can only really give you one good reason why I was crying so hard, why the pain was so raw for the first time in months........ I miss them. I miss them all!

Obviously I miss my daughter. There still isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of her. I have been wondering things like if this baby will look anything like his/her sister and have been comparing u/s pictures. I have wondered if Rosie would be as interested in my growing belly as the dogs have been over the past couple weeks. I wonder what kind of big sister she would have been. I feel guilty, like I have been neglecting her here, and she was the reason I started this blog. I know, I did not focus this blog on baby loss because I was hopeful that my life would be filled with rainbows one day, but she is still my first born, and I never want anyone to think I would forget her for one minute.

I miss Mama JJ. I miss her gentle heart and uplifting attitude. It pains me to see the tears and sorrow in both Papa JJ's and JJ's eyes as they talk about her knowing there is NOTHING I can do to take away the pain but all I can do is be there for them.

I miss my Granny. It has been almost 12 years since she passed, but I still miss her a lot. She was the best grandmother a girl could ask for, and both her and Rosie's bodies are resting together as their should play in heaven together. I just know Granny is enjoying every moment with her great granddaughter.

I wanted to show you all what bloomed between Rosie's original due date, May 28th, and Mama JJs angel day, June 3rd. Sorry, these are all from my phone, so the pictures aren't as good as the ones I took with my camera.

 


My climbing roses...getting bigger and bigger each year! It never fails, it bloomed on Rosie's b-day last year too!!

Rosie's rose bush that my in laws gave us on the day of her funeral! It has 7 blooms so far!

Probably my favorite color rose in my garden this year! The picture does it no justice!!

 

Foster had the idea to cut some and bring them to JJ for her mom's day. So I picked one off each bush and mad e a small bouquet. Friday, Mama JJ's angel day, turned out to be a beautiful day. The weather was perfect and JJ, Bug and I started our morning off with a great breakfast followed by a matinee showing of "Bridesmaids". Honestly, if you want to see this movie, wait till it comes out on DVD. It was cute, but I expected a lot better. We passed the time int he afternoon by shopping at Mama JJs favorite stores, drinking Godiva chocolate milshakes, and enjoying lunch on the patio of a Frenchh style bistro.

Every special occasion we buy a Pandora bead. For Rosie's one year angelversary we bought the "Angel of Hope bead", now all of us (mom, me, Bug, my aunt, and JJ) have that bead.

We were having a little harder time picking out a bead to represent Mama JJ. JJ asked the sales girl if they had any new beads. They pulled out this feather bead. Instantly we knew it fit Mama JJ. Feathers always remind me of her free spirit. JJ always pictures her mom flying free as a bird, and they even released some of her ashes off the wings of a newly released bald eagle that had been nursed back to health by the "Save the Eagle Foundation". The feather was PERFECT!

We then met up with the rest of the gang; Papa JJ, my mom and dad, Foster, and Ky for dinner at Mama JJ's favorite restaurant Olive Garden. It was really nice, and followed by ice cream. I refrained since I had indulged in the decadent Godiva milkshake earlier in the day, but I can't say I didn't sample a taste of my mom and dad's.

There were no special ceremonies or balloon release like we did for Rosie (and yes, I am VERY aware I haven't posted about it yet, and I will as soon as I motivate myself to transfer my pictures off the memory card...it is the one downside to having a 16GB card, I never clear it!) for there is no grave site to visit her, but the day was filled with Mama JJ nonetheless. I felt her all day. It was a beautiful day of remembrance.

I know as I walk through life with grief as a constant companion, I will have more bad days, and as I watch Pumpkin grow, I will constantly wonder how Rosie would be to her little brother/sister. However, I know that my little girl, Mama JJ and Granny will be watching over all of us until the day that we join them in heaven.

Calling All Angel Mommies!!

As you all know, we will be celebrating Rosalynn's first heavenly birthday on Wednesday. I wanted to do something a little special for all of my baby loss parents. Please, if you haven't already done so on DS or on my facebook, please leave your angel's name on here if you would like me to sent their name up on a balloon with all the other names. It is the least I can do for all of the love and support you have shown me over the past year. Wow! A whole year......I can't believe it has been almost a whole year without my beautiful daughter.......

A Very Special Mother

There is a woman in your life. Everything about her physical appearance indicates she is a mother. Her breast sag just a little more than they used to, and she has a few extra pounds around her midsection. Her hips are a little big, her stomach is traced with stretch marks, and she wears the scars of child birth.

If you were to enter her home, she has a nursery full of books and toys, diapers and clothes. She has stuffed animals throughout her house. She has pictures of her child on her desk and in her purse. She has her child's birthstone on her bracelet, and her mother's day gift on her ears.

She loves her child more than anyone could imagine. She thinks of her child every moment of every day. She overflows with pride for her child. She enjoys talking about her child, sharing stories of her child, and dreaming about her child. However, she is no typical mother. She is stronger than most, for unlike other mothers, she must parent her child from a far. She must live the rest of her life here on Earth without her child, because the difference between her and most mothers, is her child lives in Heaven.

Please do not feel sorry for this woman, because it does not make her any less of a mother. She carried her child, gave birth to her child, and loves her child today. Her nursery may be empty, but her heart is full. Please do not feel uncomfortable when she talks about her child, for this makes her feel better, and keeps her child alive in her memory. Please do not be offended if she sheds a tear or two; this does not make her weak. She will smile from ear to ear the moment she arrives in heaven and is finally able to wrap her arms around her child and spend the rest of eternity with her child. Until then, do not forget the pain that this woman has endured, because she will never forget her child and hopes you never will either.

I am the statistic!!!

I truly do not want this blog to be sad all the time, but as I mentioned before, I want to document everything that I remember before I forget.

It seemed like people came out of the woodwork. JJ, Bug, Ky and Mr. JJ all were in my triage room within minutes of Foster and I finding out we had lost our baby girl. My mom and Dad were there within 45 minutes of finding out. Nurses were coming and going in a steady stream and I don't even know what they were doing, because it all was a blur. My sister, Bug, stood over me with a helpless look on her face. She is a Neo-natal intensive care unit(NICU) nurse, so all she deals with is little sick babies. She put her hands on my belly, and said "I want them to take her out now! I feel like we could still save her! I feel so helpless." She didn't understand why babies of 27 weeks gestation can survive, but her niece who was a healthy 34.5 weeks gestation didn't make it. Everyone cried with me. Everyone felt my pain, because each and every one of them had hopes and dreams for this baby. Rosie was the first child amongst this family we had created. She was going to be, and is, the loved niece and the spoiled granddaughter.

One of the nurses needed to ask some questions and draw blood, so we asked everyone to leave. I saw Foster sitting in the chair across from my bed and asked him how he was doing. "I feel like I need to go for a run," he replied. Foster loves to run. He has participated in 3 marathons, a few half marathons, and more 5Ks than you can shake a stick at. It is his escape.

"Well," I replied, "you are dressed for it. You can take a run around the medical campus." When we left the house for the hospital, we did not expect to be there for more than an hour or two, so he was wearing basketball shorts, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.


"No, I can't leave you," he said.

'I can't leave you.' Those four little words meant so much to me at that moment. Foster is not known for his emotions. If you were to ask any of his fellow soldiers to describe his personality, they would probably say that he is level headed. It is very hard to tell when he is angry, sad, happy, excited, etc. He keeps his emotions indistinguishable and his face as uniformed as his clothes. So when these four little words were uttered from his mouth while tears welled in his eyes, I knew at that moment I was not alone in my pain. His first instinct was to run the pain away. In a way I think it represents what he emotionally wanted to do also. If he ran away, pushed his emotions down, then he would not hurt and life would be easier. I know he felt this way, because I felt this way too. But instead, he knew how much I needed him there physically and emotionally.

My doctor entered the room and wanted to discuss our options. Unfortunately, being in the medical field, I was very aware of what the next step was. I had to deliver this baby. I had to deliver a baby that I knew would not be crying when it came out, A baby that I would not be able to take home with me. The idea scared me to death. How is that for cruel and unusual punishment? First your baby dies, and now you have to go through the pain of labor just to bury your silent baby when it enters the world.

"Your baby is breached, so that poses a few problems," my doctor said. OF COURSE!!!! Nothing could be easy for me. It turns out that there is a good chance of a breached baby, who has already died, to get stuck in the pelvis because it has lost some of it's elasticity. I had to make a decision. If I wanted to be induced, it could possibly take up to 2 days to actually give birth, AND it could still end in a C-section. However, if a C-section was the route I chose, it poses other risks. A C-section is major surgery, I could potentially die from it, and potentially it could make it harder to have children naturally in the future.

I looked at Foster for guidance. I didn't know what I wanted to do. "I don't think I can motivate myself to push this child out of me," I cried, "I don't think I can wait around for two days to deliver her," I wanted him to make the decision. Actually, I wanted him to make everything all better, but I knew he couldn't. He didn't know how to respond. The thought of major surgery and the possibility of losing his child and his wife in the same night terrified him. However, he didn't want to see me go through anymore pain than I already had.

"There is a one percent chance of maternal death with a natural birth, a two percent chance with C-section, and a 25 percent chance of the baby getting stuck in your pelvis," the doctor explained. Great! More statistics! Less than .1% of women get pregnant on birth control; when I was bleeding in the second trimester I was told that a sub chronic hemorrhage only happens in one percent of pregnancies; 3 plus pitting edema only appears in ten percent of pregnant woman; and fetal deaths only happen in less than one percent of pregnancies after thirty weeks gestation. I WAS THE STATISTIC!!!! MY WHOLE PREGNANCY WAS THE STATISTIC!!! We are the people that everyone bases their chances off of. If you bet ONE dollar on me in Vegas, you would have won close to one million dollars!

........ shall we place our bets and roll the dice?

My Family

I wasn't sure if I should start at the beginning, the middle or the end. So, I decided I would start off by introducing my family. I always have problems describing myself. I am all over the board. My life has taken so many turns in the past 28 years, I feel like I have lived at least 3 lifetimes already. In the past I have been flighty, scattered brained, and sometimes discombobulated. Today, I am 28 years old, and for the most part, I have settled down. I partially attribute this to my grounded, level headed husband, and my decision to join the military 2 years ago. I have been working in a local Emergency Room for almost 3 years as a PCA/EMT. I am a combat medic in the Army National Guard, and a student 2 quarters away from graduating. I am a loving wife and mother, a dedicated friend, daughter and sister.



My husband, we will call him Foster, is an amazing man! He is 30 years old, an officer in the Army and one of the smartest men I know. He is a chemist in the Army, and is one of our first defenses in the event of a biological, chemical, radiological, or nuclear threat in the great state of Ohio. Sometimes he takes on too much. He wants to do sooooo much, coach baseball, get involved in politics, donate his time to volunteering. There are times I have to pull his head out of the clouds and make him focus on a select few things. Unfortunately, He doesn't get to do it all, but he is very generous with his time, money, and his heart.



As a couple we mesh so well together. He is quiet, a thinker, good with money, focused, and loves me more than I feel like I deserve. I am outgoing, talkative, a doer, I hate to pay full price for anything, and love him with my whole being. We balance each other out. He brings me back down to earth, while I help him loosen up a little. It works, because although we are very different in personality, we agree on all the important things in life. We are both conservative, faith filled people who believe family is the most important thing in life.


Then there is Rosie, our daughter, our little angel. She is the inspiration for me to start writing again. Rosie was our dream. We were so excited the moment we found out we were going to be parents. I am regretting the fact that I did not document my whole pregnancy, so I decided I needed to start talking about her now, before I start to forget.

I want to cover a few other important people that will probably pop up frequently in this blog. My sister, Bug, she is 4 years younger than me, has learned from my mistakes, and has made quite a woman of herself. She is beautiful motivated, one of the sweetest girls, and has one of the most gentle souls I know. She is dating one of the nicest men on earth, Ky.


JJ is a powerful, high fashion, strong woman. She is my best friend. Before getting married, we lived together for 6 years, but have know each other for 28. If you did the math, that means that I have known her my whole life! How many people can say that? I was honored to be the matron of honor in her marriage to Mr.JJ (haha). He is the male version of me. JJ and I always joke that we married the male versions of each other. So, take my personality and put it in the male form.

The six of us go on many adventures together, with recent events, have really understood how much we need each other. We are our own little family.