From the Father's Heart (Part 1)

This is the first time I have posted on a blog. You all have enjoyed my wife’s blog for about three months now. You know what she has gone through with the loss of our daughter but you do not know what I went through that pivotal day and since then. I am doing this for Erin, my wife the woman I love, so she can understand what I have gone through in the last four months. This is for the mothers who have lost a child and do not know what the father is going through and may feel left behind, or feel that your husbands are “over it”; and this is for the fathers who need to know they are not alone on this; you do not have to suffer by yourself or just with your wife. This is for the family members who are wondering “what is wrong with him.”

Erin did not suggest I write this, I decided to start writing this today when I was watching the movie Marley and Me at the part where they found out they had a miscarriage. Since Rosie’s passing I have had bad days and I have had good days and the bad days slowly went away until this week. I had three bad days where I could not get her out of my mind, but I did not talk to Erin about it because I thought I could just shrug it off. In fact she will only find out about it when she proof reads this for me to be posted on her blog.

I am not as descriptive of a writer as Erin, I am a chemist so I am used to writing about facts, why these facts are true and what these facts mean. I am a Soldier in the US Army, an American and a Christian, a father, a brother, a son and a husband. If you are a regular reader of my wife’s blog you know what I do, how Erin and I met, some other things I would rather a complete stranger not know about me, and finally, that I lost my daughter on April 20, 2010. To make it simple this is who and what I am. I am a Christian, a Soldier, a husband, a father and an American all of which I am willing to fight for.

I proposed to Erin on Sept. 11, 2009, the date did not play into my decision it was just the best night I could do it. I planned on proposing the week before at her Grandparents wedding anniversary, at a light house on Lake Erie. Unfortunately, she was working, and unable to go to the reunion. My first contingency plan was Sept. 11^th, and if I did not get the opportunity, then I was going to do it the next weekend on vacation in West Virginia. Luckily I got the opportunity and she said YES. Two weeks later we found out we were pregnant and then two and a half months later we were husband and wife. Five months later our world came crashing down in ten words; “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat.”

The day we lost Rosie, I just got back from being a way from home for the last seven days and six nights. I got home from work a little early and mowed the yard; Erin was not feeling well that morning so she slept while I was at work. Even though she did not feel well she was still thoughtful enough to make some dinner for me. At dinner she started to complain she has not felt the baby kick in quite some time and she wanted to go to Mrs. Prince’s house to use her fetal heart monitor. I said just give it a little more time, I was sure she was just over reacting. I have already been away for the last seven days and did not want to be out late that night as well. At 8:45 she said she still did not feel the baby kick and wanted to go to the Prince’s. She said I could stay home and she would be back in an half an hour, I said no I will go with you. When we got there Mr. Prince and I hung out in the kitchen and had a beer while the girls went upstairs to use the fetal heart monitor. They found Mrs. Prince’s baby’s heart beat just fine but on Erin there was nothing. I figured they did not know how to use the thing properly but we better go to the doctor to put Erin’s mind at ease.

As we were driving we were joking that we might be taking a baby home in a couple of days, trying to keep a positive attitude. As we were traveling the highway, something told me that she was gone, I shrugged it off because I really don’t believe in a sixth sense. If Rosie would have been ok then that thought would have just been me being pessimistic.

As we got to the hospital we checked in and got taken back to the triage room fairly quickly. Erin Climbed up on the table and the nurses began to place the monitors on her belly. The heart rate was reading 120 but they could not find the baby’s so they called in the doctors to run an ultrasound. At this time a large tear ran down my cheek, I got chills and I knew my baby was gone. The Doctor did the ultra sound. Still nothing and finally they called in the head doctor. Nothing, then those words that still sting today, “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat. Erin was already sobbing and then lost it. All I could do is hold her and cry with her. I felt so helpless there is nothing I could fix.

Father's Day

(I originally started writing this on father's day, but got a little emotional and busy, so I decided to finish it later, and post it today)

I have noticed something interesting through my grieving process. From the very start, I avoided grieving for myself but instead grieved for the other people involved. The first couple of days everyone was worried about me and Foster, understandably, but I was worried about my poor sister Bug. I have mentioned before that she is a NICU nurse, and has to work with sick babies everyday. She had to watch her niece pass away who was completely developed enough to survive an early delivery, and watch her sister lose her daughter with no real explanation, while she watched women who don't want their babies and don't take care of themselves through their pregnancies take home healthy bundles of joy. While everyone worried about Foster and I, I think poor Bug was lost in the background. She was grieving, and had to go back to work to handle sick babies only 3 days later.

Then it was onto my mother. She has been going through so much! It all started with when my dad lost his job a little over a year ago. Two of the horse died within 2 weeks of each other. Then the dog got hit by a car, luckily survived but broke her leg. Our little pony dies, her best friend in California was found to have some form of dementia, her best friend of 30+ years, Mama JJ, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, now her first granddaughter had passed before even being born. To top it all off, HER daughter was suffering, and there was nothing she could do to take the pain away. She has definitely been going through more than any one person should in one year. I cried for her, wanting to take away her pain and give her a ray of sunshine.

My darling husband Foster, I have been grieving for him since day one. Not only did he lose his daughter, but he was unable to protect his wife from the pain and hurt. He had to witness me in pain everyday physically and emotionally. Then we went to the Pearl Jam concert that was bitter sweet. I originally bought the tickets as an early father's day gift. So when we attended, it was with heavy hearts. Now Father's Day is here, and he does not get to celebrate it with his little girl. This does not make him any less of a father, however, because he is an amazing father! It takes a special kind of dad to father an angel.

Two months ago today our beautiful Rosalynn was born with angel wings. Foster and I were sitting in church and a precious girl about her age was sitting in front of us. This month we could be expecting to see her smile on purpose for the first time. She would be developing those smooth, chubby baby rolls. She would be enjoying tummy time and lifting her head while on her belly. She would be so much more aware of her surroundings than she was a month ago. Foster would be telling her about soccer as he watched the World Cup with her. He would be proudly carrying her on his chest in her little Baby Bjorn harness while watching Grandpa, Bug and I play golf. It would have been an amazing Father's Day.

I am sure Rosie is smiling down on Foster. He has taken such good care of her mom. He has been there to make me laugh when I am sad. He has cried with me, held me in his arms as I have wept, and dealt with my hormonal emotions. He helped around the house when I was unable to do much after the surgery. He did laundry, cooked, and even vacuumed a few times. I cannot imagine going through all of this without him, and pray I never have to find out what life would be like without him.

Foster, you have been amazing, and I love you so much. You deserve this more than anyone: Happy Father's Day sweetheart!