Healing...Freedom....Peace....Full Circle

I hate that I only get on here once a year...if that. I should be documenting Ava and Pippa's life too. But this IS a pretty sacred place...Rosie's place. SO I guess I will continue to come here and document on occasion. 

Today marked 12 yrs. 

12 yrs since the trajectory of my life took a sudden turn....my plans, my dreams, my goals were flipped upside down. 

If you are friends with me on FB, you would have seen that I posted a short blurb about today. It was because I had to sit with my feelings and figure out how to get them down on paper. FB did not seem like the place to write about those feelings. 

Leading up to today, I  thought I would be emotionally and physically ready for today. You see, I had to work today. Being a L&D nurse on the unit she was born, I am regularly around "her spaces". The triage room we found out she passed, the operating room she was delivered in, the room she was baptized in, the room I spent 4 days in AP holding her and spending time with her. BUT I had yet to work on her day. This year is the first time in 12 yrs I would have to work and not dedicate an entire day to my first born. I also had to work the night of the 19th. Which means my morning and afternoon would be spent sleeping on the 20th. I contacted all the family and told them the celebration would still happen at the cemetery, but it would be short and sweet since I had to leave for work. I ordered mini bunt cakes from Nothing Bundt Cakes, and even bought the bundtinis for the hospital staff for the night of the 20th. 

I was ready. Physically and emotionally to spend Rosie's birthday on the Labor and Delivery floor that she was born on.

What I was not prepared for emotionally.....was spending the night BEFORE her birthday on the floor. 

At midnight on the 20th I realized that at that moment 12 yrs ago I was walking myself from the triage room to the labor room. The walk I mention in some of my first blog posts. 

So I did something I didn't realize would bring me peace, sadness, overwhelming joy....every emotion under the sun!

I walked the events......

I went to the triage room we found out the news her heart had stopped. 

I walked down the long hall that made me feel like I was walking the death row walk 12 yrs ago....

I stood in the OR she was born silently.

I stood outside the room she was baptized in and sooo many family got to hold and meet her in (there was a patient in the room, so no pictures lol). 

Then I finished with a moment with the wreath of remembrance in our respite room where her ribbon hangs from. 

It was cathartic. It was freeing. It was peaceful.

The nurses let me talk about her last night. They asked questions and engaged and LISTENED.  I don't think people realize how IMPORTANT that is. Even 12 yrs later. To tell your story, to speak your name. It means the WORLD to me. 

Then of course today was BEAUTIFUL!!! The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. We all gathered at Rosalynn's grave to celebrate. We sang happy birthday, let off balloons and I handed out the mini bundt cakes for everyone to enjoy tonight. It was quick but perfect. 

As I was headed to work, one of my friends/coworkers called to see what type of coffee I would like:-) Made my day! 

I chose a moment when a lot of people were in the nurse's station to hand out the mini cakes. I stressed to them the importance of their job when working with bereavement cases. That how their care can change someone's life.....for better OR worse....and in my case it brought me full circle 12 yrs later. 

Every year I ask for a little sign from Rosie that she is around. I feel her regularly, but it is nice to have a solid sign she is around. Today it was an interesting one. The night we found out she had passed, I had made David and I chicken parmesan. Needless to say, I have not eaten chicken parmesan in 12 yrs. Randomly today the hospital sent us a "thank you" dinner. Unexpected.....what do you think that dinner was? You guessed it. Chicken Parmesan! So today I ate chicken parm for the first time in 12 yrs.....

Healing.....freedom....peace.....full circle. 

 

Thank you baby girl for teaching me so many lessons. For helping me grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally strong. Thank you for sending me down this path I would not have taken. I help other families like ours, and love on them and try to give them amazing memories of their babies. I cannot wait to one day hug you in heaven, but until then, I will continue to carry your memory with me through life. 

What are the odds??

I truly cannot believe it has been over TEN YEARS since my sweet Rosie went up to heaven. It blows my mind!! This life has been a roller coaster ever since. It has been filled with scary births, wonderful moments with my rainbow babies, Foster and I becoming stronger in our relations ship and closer to Christ.
For those of you who don't know about my latest endeavor...2 years ago I decided to go back to nursing school. It is something I started 20 years ago, life happened, and I never got to finish. I have been attending birth photography sessions over the past 10 years, and the thing i thought every time I was in the delivery room, is how I wanted to experience the miracle of birth every day of my life. How you TRULY feel that is the moment when heaven meets earth and God's love and hope for the human race continues. Any of you who have experienced or witnessed a birth probably has felt a similar rush of hope when the baby comes out screaming and the parents cry and everyone is just overwhelmed with emotion.  

So 2 yrs ago Foster and I were sitting in a local Indian restaurant, and I told him I had been feeling restless. Life was normal. House was remodeled, business was thriving, both kids in daycare or school, dinner on the table most nights by 6:30 pm...the "picture perfect" life/family. But I was restless. I was feeling a stirring that my "story" was not done. That God was not done with me and my journey. I wanted to go back to school.

Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Honey, I am bored. I need something. I have felt a restlessness that I feel God has something for me to pursue."

Foster: Ever the loving, supportive husband to my sometimes CRAZY ideas, "OK.....what is it you want to do?"

Me: "I think I want to go back to nursing school."

Foster: "OK...well have you researched schools, how much? How long? What specifically do you want to do?"

You see he is always the level headed one. I get a harebrained idea and he pulls me back down to earth to have me do it right....to  research what I need to do to accomplish my goal. He is more analytical than me....I just go with the flow and where I feel I am being pulled.

Me: "Nope, I haven't looked. BUT I know what I want to do. I want to work where Rosie was born. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to help other families suffering the same type of loss as we did. I want to be a light in there darkest moments."

Foster: "Do you think you would be able to handle it? Emotionally?"

Me: "Yes I feel like I am in the perfect place in my life to help instead of it hurting me. It has been 8.5 years, and while I miss her EVERY DAY, I am at peace about it, and know I will get to hold her in my arms eventually. But until then, I want to help. Plus, let's face it, labor and delivery is great unit to be a part of! So much joy with some pain. What better place to be every day for work!!"

Foster: "Ok, do the research and lets figure it out."

So I started researching. I knew there were some great nursing schools within close proximity. I had a TON of credits from the first round of nursing school I attempted 20 yrs ago, and just prayed the credits would still transfer. I had hear horror stories of credits expiring after 5 yrs and did NOT want to retake all the maths and sciences, etc. I also had experience as an army medic, and although I knew most schools did not offer credits for time served, potentially the classes taken to become an EMT-B would help. So I started my google search. 

The school I found almost immediately seemed way too good to be true. It typically had a 1-2 yr waiting list to get into their nursing program, but they had just started a new program. One that encouraged paramedics and ARMY MEDICS to attend their nursing school, and they would give you credits towards TWO of their nursing classes, and you would have to take a 2 credit hour bridge course instead. This course is the same course the LPNs take before attending the RN courses. And they were accepting applications for their FIRST GROUP to start that fall! What are the odds? 

So I immediately submitted an application and started gathering all of my transcripts and such....then I waited.

After my application was received, a admissions person called me. He needed transcripts from 2 of my schools and my high school. Which I quickly provided for him. But then he told me it could take up to 6-8 weeks to process the transcripts, and not to expect to start school until January. I was BUMMED. The PERFECT situation....the PERFECT in for a great nursing school, and transcript processing may keep me back from starting in fall. This was July 2nd when I spoke to him. 

July 5th Foster and I were sitting in the living room enjoying an extra day off for him and I received a phone call. My transcripts had been processed, and I could go talk to an academic advisor to start the nursing school process. HOLY CRAP.....

I called the advisors office, they said they had a cancellation, so therefore an opening at 11:30 AM THAT DAY to talk and get the ball rolling (it was currently 10:30 AM). I looked at Foster, and he said, "Go for it! I will stay home with the girls." What are the odds?

Embarrassing moment from this visit:

I got in the elevator to head home after my meeting, and a girl in the elevator greeted me and then proceeded to ask if I was an instructor there.....okay, okay, I get it, I am old...lol. (36 at this point).

So now the finances. LUCKILY, the school I chose is a local community college. They are SOOO much cheaper to attend than any huge university. I did the math, since I only had to go 8-9 credit hours a semester because I ONLY had to take the nursing courses (remember all those credits...they transferred and saved me SOOOO much time and $$), and the college took payment plans, the total per month for me to attend would be between $359-379 a month. Fall for my business is BONKERS. I make about 1/2 of my yearly income in the last 4 months of the year. So I knew financially I could swing paying for classes in the fall without hurting our family financially. BUT winter would be much more difficult.  Business typically drops off dramatically in January for the first few months. OH....but don't you worry...Foster's car payment fell off in January! $400/ month was going to be opened up RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME......what are the odds?

Now nursing school was HARD....I mean REALLY REALLY hard. Nursing school while having 2 kids, a full time business to run, and a husband who was gone a LOT for the military.....don't even get me started. But with a LOT of prayer and determination and A LOT of support from family, friends, and fellow nursing school friends, I made it through. 

In the second to last last semester, the school allows you to apply for a preceptor-ship for your last semester clinical. A preceptor-ship is a 1:1 clinical in a specialized area. You are not guaranteed it. You have to write an essay explaining why you want it, why you would be a good representative of the school, and have good grades. There are a few ICU slots, cardiac, pediatric, and OCCASIONALLY an OB option. Of COURSE I wanted the OB option. So did a few other students in my class. So I got to writing my essay. I talked about my journey over the previous 9 yrs, Rosie, why I wanted OB, submitted the essay and application, and then prayed....HARD. If this is literally what I started school for, I wanted to be 100% sure this was right for me. I wanted to experience it more in depth than our 3 day OB clinical we received. 

After finals were graded, and last semester was planned out by the professors, we received our clinical rotation for Spring 2020 semester. I scrolled through all of the group clinicals and did not see my name....I kept scrolling. Under Preceptorship label I saw My name:

Erin Foster- L&D........

Then I scrolled to the right to see the hospital I would be working in.......my heart stopped and leapt at the same time......ROSIE'S hospital!! The same floor I delivered her on and the only place I got to hold her in my arms for 4 days. Funny thing? This is NOT the typical hospital system our school works with. They typically work with one of the other major group her in our city. I was in literal shock! What are the odds?

So fast forward to last semester. Everyone is starting their clinical rotations, and I had still not heard from my nurse preceptor from the hospital to set up my schedule. I was starting to get frustrated when she finally responded, "I am sorry, I don't know why they chose me, I am on vacation almost all of Feb and all of Mar."

How the HECK am I supposed to get 130 hours in when my preceptor is gone 2/3 months I have to fit those hours into?!?

I called my sister (a NICU nurse at this hospital) crying. So upset because if they couldn't find me a new preceptor, I would have to fall in with one of the groups and not get my chance in OB. SO I started praying.....

The next day, my sister was leaving her shift and was on the elevator. She started up a random conversation about children with a girl she had never met in the elevator. THey rode the bus to the parking lot together and this stranger was telling my sister how she was bummed because she wanted to work up the clinical ladder (a program to help with raises and certifications), and since she worked all 3 departments in OB (L&D, maternal special care, and mother infant), that she couldn't orient a new nurse......this triggered a question from my sister: "Could you precept a nursing student and get the credit for the clinical ladder?"

This stranger replied: "I don't know, I don't see why not. Why?"

My sister: "Well, my sister has a problem....." And the proceeded to tell her what happened. 

They exchanged information, and within a week, this RANDOM stranger became my new preceptor.....what are the odds?

6 GLORIOUS weeks of working next to Amber. I helped deliver babies in the operating room I had Rosie in, I helped deliver a baby in the L&D room they held me unitl my c-section. I took care of a mom in the maternal special care room I stayed in and held my daughter for 4 days. I opened the fridge that my daughter stayed cool in for 4 days.......and I was in PURE HEAVEN. I get to be near my earthly children every day. I get to hold them, love them, and help them grow. But being on that floor, in those rooms, in that environment...i felt SOOOOO close to my daughter in heaven. Like I could be with her when I was at work, and with my earthly daughters here at home.....

Then Covid hit. 

I was unable to finish my last shift and properly thank the management and my preceptor for the experience. I wanted to hand my resume to the hiring manager before I left and tell her I was very interested if a position opened. But none of that happened. 

I graduated virtually Cum Laude, and even received a leadership award from the college of nursing. It SHOULD have been the culmination of my nursing school career with my friends and family there to support me, and my sister there to pin me, but it was depressing and anticlimactic. 

I went on to apply for RN to BSN programs, which I got accepted to a phenomenal program....the same program my sister graduated from traditional BSN. I broke my leg (another story for another day) and used that time to study for the NCLEX, and apply for jobs. HOWEVER, most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes. But I kept praying. Foster asked what the cut off for me to get my "dream job" would be before I "settled" for a different job. Most people will tell you they won't hire new grads into L&D. They want you to have your BSN, and 2 yrs of med-surg experience before you can get a L&D job. 

My response was always: L&D is what I am supposed to be doing, and years working in the ED and as an Army medic, I have a lot more "experience" than a lot of new nurses. So I stuck to my guns. And I am SOOOOOO glad I did. 

In June, a positon opened in Rosie's L&D unit! I immediately applied. I sent in my thank you card and resume to the hiring manager, and before I knew it I had an interview......the MORNING before I was to take the NCLEX......talk about no sleep. LOL. 

The interview went amazing, and I PASSED my NCLEX all in the same day, and that next Monday, I was offered the job.......during a pandemic WHILE most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes...what are the odds? I have cried so many happy tears because I know the Truth...

When you follow HIS plans for you, when you turn EVERYTHING over to Him, there are no odds....it is His will and it WILL happen if HE wants it to! Rosie's death was so much more than me losing a child. I TRULY feel it was for me to find my path, to connect closer to God, and to finally be able to help others on their journey of baby loss. Some of my baby loss moms started non profits, some write or speak to the public...me? I was supposed to be a L&D nurse.....Just like my Granny Phillippa (Who Rosie is buried with and Pippa is named after.....what are the odds??)

So tomorrow I start. I start this next chapter of my life in L&D. Please pray for me. Pray I can be the best nurse for ALL of my patients.  Pray I am able to touch others' lives, pray I can be a light in the dark.....and pray for my nerves LOL... I feel like it is the first day of school as a kid LOL. 

I just wanted to write all of this down so I can see His love for me during times of doubt, and to hopefully inspire someone else to follow their dreams and listen to their hearts!

The Rainbow Baby Project

Oh it has been FOREVER since I have posted here. Mainly because 2 babies are keeping me EXTREMELY busy, and so is my business, Irish Eyes Photography.  It has been NEARLY EIGHT YEARS since my Rosalynn passed away. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, other days it seems like just yesterday!
The 2 things that have kept hope going in my life has been my two rainbow babies, Avaleen and Phillippa (Ava and Pippa). So with that, I have decided to give back to the baby loss community that has blessed me and supported me for EIGHT YEARS!!! Please, go over to my blog on my photography page to read a full story/explanation, and see all the details. If you, family, or friends are in Ohio, or willing to TRAVEL to Ohio, FEEL FREE to share and nominate them for this amazing opportunity!!

https://www.irisheyesphotography.net/rainbow-baby-columbus-ohio

Phillippa's Birth Story:: Part 2

.......Sorry to leave you hanging. I definitely would not have done that if most of you didn't already know the outcome thanks to facebook;-) LOL

After finding her heartbeat and being able to at least breath knowing she was hanging in, I waited on the porch, gripping my doppler as Foster took Ava to the neighbor's and I waited for the ambulance. They pulled up a few minutes later, which of COURSE felt like and ETERNITY. They loaded me on immediately and told my husband to follow in the car or hop in if he wanted. He followed in the car.

I was crying, frequently checking Pippa's heart rate while telling the paramedics my history, and just begging them to get me to the hospital while she was still alive. I never realized how bumpy the squad ride was until every bump we went over I felt little gushes of blood. They took me directly to labor and delivery triage. No waiting, no passing go, no collecting $200. This is another reason I took a squad versus letting Foster drive me. Although after working in an ER for years, a squad doesn't ALWAYS mean direct room/immediate care, in most cases it does. At least until the hospital team rules out immediate threats.

The nurses and on call physician were ready and quick to start examining me. As soon as the fetal monitor was placed and we were continuously monitoring her heart beat, I was able to relax....a little bit. The doctor fired up the u/s machine while nurses started 2 different IV sites, hooked up contraction monitors, telemetry monitors, blood pressure cuff, and oxygen. I rattled off my history like a novel, told them the current and recent care plans I had been on with Ohio State, and they were definitely concerned and on top of things.

The u/s wand showed a great little heart beat, perfect amount of amniotic fluid, a good sized baby measuring a little ahead of her due date, and a pocket of blood with a marginal abruption to my placenta.

Marginal.....marginal is good right? "What side was the abruption on?" I asked. If you remember, Pippa had a marginal cord insertion just like Rosalynn. I was afraid if it was on the same side as the cord insertion, we would be risking an intrauterine demise because of lack of nutrients to that side of the placenta.

"The opposite side of the cord" The doctor responded.

WHEW!

I was having mild contractions every 2-4 minutes apart, and of course by this time my BP was sky high. Now, who knows if this was stress, or the Pre-E. They started fluids, drew labs, checked the bleeding WITHOUT inserting anything into me. They didn't want to check my cervix or anything for fear of causing more bleeding.

"Have you heard about magnesium?" The doctor asked.

"Yes," I responded, "I have heard it is a very uncomfortable drug, but it should help with the contractions, help decrease my BP, and hopefully give us more time for her to cook."

"Yes, however, that is not the reason I want to start it. It is beneficial for baby at this stage. You said you received the steroids in the hospital on Wednesday and Thursday, which will help develop her lungs, but the Mag will help with her brain. Babies born before 32 weeks we suggest getting it because it will help with brain bleeds and neuro function. Of course I would love to stop the contractions and help the BP, but if this baby is coming, she is coming, and we will only be able to hold her off so long. If we can help her long term, that is more beneficial."

They decided to admit me to antepartum, and start continuous monitoring, magnesium drip, foley cath to monitor urine output (the mag can cause kidney issues), get me through the night, and wait for maternal fetal medicine to review everything and see if delivery or strict bed rest was in order. Apparently there was a mom down the hall who had a marginal abruption. She had been there for 10 weeks,  I was at the best place possible (the hospital) to try and cook Pippa a little longer before delivery. Because if we needed to deliver, we could do it quickly, and have her here in a matter of minutes.

So we started the wait. I tried to relax and rest, Foster slept on the couch close by, and we got through the night with no new excitement and with Pippa's heart beating away nicely on the monitor next to me.

LUCKILY the mag was not as bad as other people had described to me. It made me feel like I was engulfed in one big fuzzy sock, so I was a bit warm, but not unbearable, and we cranked up the air and added a fan, and I was comfortable. I couldn't really sleep while on it, I don't know if it was because of the Mag, or because of the adrenaline and fear that was racing through me, but I listened to Foster sleep, and prayed, talked to Pippa, talked to my Granny (Pippa's name sake and she had passed away in this very hospital), and talked to Rosie.

Morning came and Foster left to take Ava to school, grab a bag for me, eat breakfast away from me (since I was on just ice water at this point), and get a few things in order.

My mom came to the hospital as well to hang out with me. To find out what was going on, and come on.....when you are sick and need someone, who is it you think of first.....your mom. So having her there brought me peace:-)

We waited most of the morning for MFM to get all the records from OSU for my recent adventures there, updated ultra sounds, past medical records for my history. They wanted the whole story to be able to make an informed decision on delivery vs. bed rest, etc. I was ok with that.

Around 1130 they came in. A funny, easy going red headed doc came in. After some banter back and forth (including Foster asking how many souls he had stolen, since my freckles mark each one I have), this is what MFM had decided:

"At this time you are both stable. The Mag has brought your BPs down, have all but stopped the contractions, has given Pippa what she needs if delivery is imminent. HOWEVER. I am taking you off. What does this mean? you could start contracting again, your BP could come up again, etc. So what we will do is keep you on STRICT bed rest for now, and see how we progress. If things stay stable we will talk about potentially transferring to Ohio State if that is what you would like to be close to your doc and team. OR we can keep you here if you prefer. We will determine day by day what kind of food and activity you can do, and continue to test, monitor, and watch closely. IF ANY OF THE FOLLOWING happen, we will deliver immediately:
-Fresh Bleeding
-Increased BP
-Contractions start back up regularly and start showing signs of labor
-Pippa shows signs of distress through her heart monitoring, movement or lack there of, etc.
We will not try to stop it again, because there is a REASON why it keeps happening and at that point we will determine it is better for her to be out then in, and will deal with the NICU stay and getting her strong AFTER the fact.
Goal will be 34 weeks, but any extra day will be beneficial."

HOLY crap. Bed rest. Flat back, little movement bed rest. OK if that is what it takes, I will do it. Then I looked at my nurse after the doctor left "wait, so is the foley catheter coming out?"

"Yes", she replied, "I have to take it out as soon as the mag is done at 1230. Infection control does not like us keeping it in."

"Will you do me a BIIIIIGGGG favor?" I asked, "Will you keep it in for just a few more hours so I can sleep? I pee every hour or so, and want to just get some rest before having to start the dreaded bed pan ritual every hour."

"Well......only if I can be your favorite nurse now," she said jokingly. I agreed, and after the mag was done at 1230, was able to relax and actually start drifting off to sleep.

Mom and Foster went to get lunch, hung out together, and Foster went to the gym for a bit.

I was suddenly woken up around 1430 (230pm) by what I could only think was a "REAL" contraction.

I had experienced "contractions", but mom told me if I could talk through them, they weren't "real". Well, I was gripping the bed rails, couldn't talk, hurt so bad I thought I was going to come off the bed. Right then the NICU nurse practitioner came in. She wanted to go over a few things in terms of a NICU stay for a 31-32 weeker. What to expect (CPAP, possible intubation, tapering down to room air over time, feeding tubes, medications, incubators, etc.) While there, I had another one of these HUGE contractions in front of her. She was surprised it wasn't showing up on the monitor. So called my nurse.

Apparently thanks to this bicorunated uterus I have, it is sometimes difficult to pick up contractions on the monitor because there is a sweet spot to pick them up on most uteri, and mine doesn't necessarily have that "sweet spot".

SO as she fiddled with the monitor, I had another one.....maybe 4 minutes later. "Oh Crap" I exclaimed.

"What?" My now favorite nurse looked up at me.

"I think I just gushed blood."

She looked in the pad under me to examine, "Looks like it is dark red blood, not bright. It was probably old pooled blood that was sitting in there that came out with the contraction. I will get you cleaned up, and if it happens again, call me and I will check again."

I looked at mom and told her she should probably call Foster, we may be delivering sooner than later since the blood was coming back, the contractions were coming back, and my BP was elevating (probably stress related, but who knows).

Foster showed up a few minutes later, my nurse was finishing cleaning me up, and then stepped out. As SOON as she stepped outside, another HUGE contraction came, and then another HUGE gush.

"Foster, get the nurse NOW," She came in, and lifted the sheets again.

"I think it is time to get the doc. This is bright red, fresh blood."

I looked at mom and Foster, "This is not good. There is something really wrong. I feel like we need to get her out."

I had that feeling of dread. I knew in my heart if we didn't get her out soon, I would be burying another child.

I just kept my ear on her heart rate. She still seemed content. So I knew we still had time. It felt like FOREVER for the doctor to show up, in reality it was probably 5 minutes. He came in with 3 nurses with a speculum. "He is going to take a peak and see what is going on," my favorite nurse said. I let him, and it took him literally half a second to respond.

"We are going now."

Then everything turned into a scene out of Grey's Anatomy or ER. The nurses jumped into action, the papers were signed for a repeat c-section, the anesthesiologist was there checking my pallet, throat, back, Foster was given the bunny suit to wear in the operating room. This all started going down around quarter till 3pm.

The nice thing is that because of the precautions that were taken earlier, and the fact that Pippa wasn't showing signs of distress, they opted for a spinal instead of general anesthesia, and Foster was able to be in the OR with me. We were ready to go within minutes, and the few minutes they took Pippa off the monitor to scrub me for surgery were the most deafening moments of my life. It took the nurse a few moments to get her back on the monitor when they were ready, and for a minute of two I thought maybe we were too late. Luckily she found her, and by 3:18pm, Pippa came out CRYING!!!! She was PERFECT!!!!!

The NICU team assessed her while the docs finished on me, and I would later find out that as they were pulling out my placenta, it was in pieces. It was shredded and looked like if we had waited much longer, or had I been home when this happened, the outcome would have been very different.

After a few minutes, the NICU team brought Pippa over. She was holding her own on room air, and got to visit with me and Foster before they would take her away for further testing and assessments. Foster cried, I cried, we had made it. SHE had made it. SHE had held on and was a strong cookie.

31weeks and 5 days. the most premature out of all 3 girls, and she came out crying, breathing room air, and proving to everyone she is as strong as all the strong women in her life.  She was ready, and she thinks she is a full term baby....I won't be telling her otherwise;-)  LOL.

WHEW!!! So there you have it.  Pippas GRAND entrance into the world. Once again...wouldn't be a Foster pregnancy without a bit of drama.  I love her so much already, Ava is obsessed, she has her daddy wrapped around her TINY finger already, and our family is complete.

And we are DONE!!! That was enough drama and fear for a lifetime. So our family is complete. I will never again put my family, husband or one of my children OR myself through that again.

I will continue to keep everyone updated on Pippa's NICU stay and hopefully sooner than later graduation. prayers are always appreciated:-) Please be patient if I am slower to answer emails, texts, calls. I have a very important job to do: help a little girl get stronger and get home.

Phillippa's Birth Story:: PART 1

Where do I even begin? It has been such a whirlwind the past 40 hours that I may leave something out, but want to write this down before I start to forget.

As mentioned in my last blog post, I was on modified bed rest. I was allowed to do certain things, as long as my blood pressure was kept under control, and any signs of pre eclampsia stayed away (nausea, headaches not cured with Tylenol, right upper quadrant pain, changes in vision). Saturday was uneventful. I stayed at home most of the day and left just to have a nice dinner with my family. Low key, low bps most of the day. Sunday is when I woke up feeling like yuck.

It started off with just slightly elevated blood pressure. (140s/80-90) nothing to be concerned about. Nothing to call the doc about because I had been hanging out around that range the past 2 weeks. But I felt "off". Went to church with the family. This literally required me to sit in a car, then sit through service, I didn't stand, didn't dance in the aisles lol, just sat. But I had a feeling of "restless body syndrome" if you have ever had restless leg syndrome, it is that feeling but all over my body. I wasn't comfortable sitting, standing, walking, didn't want anyone touching me. Just REALLY restless.

We headed home and my bp was still 140s/80-90.

Foster had a few errands to run, grocery shopping, ref a rugby game, etc. So while he did that I napped. I took TWO 1.5 hr naps. NOT like me, but once again, I wasn't feeling well.

Woke up at 530pm to get ready to go to small group. Which required me to sit in the car, walk to a couch and sit on a couch for 2 hrs. No big deal. Plus I figured with everything going on, it would be a nice thing to hang with a group that would be praying hard for all of us.

After small group, I got home, Foster went to bathe Ava while I made a late dinner of sandwiches and Mac and cheese. After putting the pot on to boil I decided to take my bp because I still didn't feel well. It read 160/100. I was a bit shocked, but did what Dr P told me: lay on your left side, rest for 10 mins and retake. If it doesn't go down, call. Retake: 138/85, the best it has been all day.

So we ate and then headed to bed. Yes, I was headed to bed at 9pm even after 2 naps. The one thing I noticed is my tummy was tight. Not contraction tight, but more just overall tight. Tender to the touch. Even Ava wanting to kiss the belly goodnight was a bit painful. I chalked it up to mild contractions like I had had on and off since 28 weeks, and figured I would chug some water and lay down. It would go away like it always did.

Why didn't I call my doc? I don't know. I thought about it multiple times through the day, but I had a non stress test scheduled that next morning and figured as long as I was keeping things under control, I would be fine till then. Nothing seemed major, just had that "off" feeling all day.

I was out like a light by 9:30p. But just like every other night, I woke up about 1.5 hrs later because I had to pee....oh the joys of pregnancy. I shuffled into the bathroom, sat down and before I got the chance to start peeing, I felt a huge gush. I stopped. Oh crap. I think my water just broke. I flipped on the bathroom light, not knowing what to expect because my water has never broken, and was terrified when I looked in the toilet and it looked like a massacre had taken place. I froze. When I think of the most devastating moment in my life, it is when we found out Rosalynn had no heart beat. When I think of the most terrifying moment of my life, this was it.

I am too versed in pregnancy. I know the good, the bad and the devastating. I know that that much blood in the third trimester could mean 1 of 2 things:

1) My csection scar was opening, which is a risk with any pregnancy after csection, and when contractions have been manifesting themselves, increase this risk if they are strong enough/productive. This is one reason why docs don't like doing vaginal births after csection (VBAC).

2) A placental abruption. Any of you who watch Grey's anatomy, they JUST had an episode of a woman experiencing one of these. Both her and baby died. VERY dangerous, very scary, and happens quickly.

I yelled out to Foster, "HONEY.....wake up we need to go to the hospital NOW".

All I kept thinking is I had lost her already. That I was hemorrhaging and Pippa was gone. I honestly thought I had lost another baby.

Foster sprung into action, grabbing Ava and getting her to the neighbor's house, grabbing my bag that was still partially packed from Thursday's stay at OSU, and getting the car ready.

I called 911 and grabbed my Doppler. I didn't want to risk bleeding out and dying in a car my husband was driving on the way to the hospital. I wanted to make sure I had medical care on the transport to the hospital. But I also knew this meant 1 bad thing: they would take me to a hospital I was not familiar with, with docs who didn't know my case, and my doc had no delivery rights to.

While I was on the phone with 911 I had my Doppler in hand. 

"Mrs Foster, can you feel your baby move?"

"No, I haven't felt her move since the gush. I have a doppler in my hand but I am terrified to put it on my belly" I told the operator. "What if my daughter is gone already?!".

"Ma'am most squads don't have a way to check fetal heart tones. So if you want to check it would be best to use it."

As I placed the doppler on my belly I held my breath.......and THANK THE LORD Pippa was there. It was the first time the entire pregnancy I didn't have to search for her or chase her with the doppler. Thank God for small favors!! I knew she was at least alive.

TO BE CONTINUED........

I am exhausted, my pain meds are kicking in, and I need to head to bed. Sorry lol. I will finish typing her story tomorrow:-) 

Bed Rest Chronicles Day 1

So when discharged yesterday, I read the instructions for "modified bed rest". Things I CAN do:

- Light House work (is there any way I can take this off the list? lol)
- shower, bathroom, daily grooming/dressing activities. Yay for being clean and dressed;-)
- Short errands (i.e. short trips to the grocery) So I figure I can put trips to the studio in this for minor errands.
- Short walks 2-3 blocks. TWO TO THREE BLOCKS. LOL Now, is this a NYC block? a country block? If it was my block, I might as well not leave the house, it isn't worth it.
- Easy outings like out to dinner or a movie that takes little to know effort.

OK. So my biggest challenge is going to be seeing how much I can do without my blood pressure raising. I am hanging around the 130/80-140/90 resting. I want to keep it as close to that as possible.

So I woke up this morning feeling like this is my first official day as a "stay at home wife". But the problem with stay at home wife/mom is that I would want to be the BEST one I could be.: food made, house clean, etc. At this point it would take 3 days straight of cleaning to make my house the standard I would expect from myself if I was a SAHM/W so I know it may take all 3 weeks to get to the standard if I do "light house work" every day.

 Ava went to school, Dave woke her up, got her dressed and took her in. While getting her ready, I noticed there were 2 baskets of her laundry that needed put away. And about 3 baskets of laundry of ours that needed to be done. Laundry I would consider "light housework" (minus the carrying of heavy baskets). So Dave took the baskets downstairs so I could work on laundry.

Morale: High
Pippa: Active
Naps: 1
TV watched: probably around 3 hrs

645 AM: BP 137/78
- Put Ava's laundry away.
-Go downstairs have breakfast
-Watch a little news.
-Start getting antsy
-Put first load in laundry

1030AM:
-switch laundry, fold first load
-put dinner in the crockpot
-clean a little of the kitchen

BP: 148/89 OK I get it, I did a little too much "Light housework"

Sit down for 15 mins and retake:  138/78 great!! back down!

Rest, watch TV, fold more laundry.....come on, admit you are jealous;-)

3pm:
Time to test "short errand trip"
Went to studio to meet client to drop off products.
Headed to Ava's school for parent teacher conference.
Office max for electric converter for a nightlight I bought for Ava that has a European plug.

5:30 BP: 146/89 OK.....so maybe they truly meant ONE short errand. But retested and it came back down:-)

6:45: Dinner with family, hang out on porch while Dave mows and Ava plays with Dinos. Now writing blog. BP: 136/80

So what did I learn today?
Spread the house chores out a little more, and ONE short errand at a time. Mom would be mad at me for testing the limits today, but I had to check what would bring up my BP vs what wouldn't, and my doc said as long as it came back DOWN after resting, which in all cases it did, that I could do SOME things. Just no crazy photo shoots, or moving furniture, etc.

I didn't go TOO crazy today, but then again it is only day one, and when you are as busy as me on a regular basis it is nice to have a light day from time to time. We will see how morale is next week.

I do have this great photo to keep me motivated on "taking it easy":



On the list for tomorrow: Boss Dave around for things I wanted done before Pippa got here but won't get to do myself now.
Family Date to dinner and MAYBE a movie if my BP is behaving:-)
Editing on the couch!! :-)

Don't worry, I won't bore you EVERY day with the happenings of the Bed Rest Chronicles....maybe just every other day;-)

Pre-Eclampsia and "Modified Bed Rest"

Ok, So we have a plan, and HOPEFULLY this plan will keep little missy in for another 3 weeks 6 days. BUT there has been some talk of as early as 34 week delivery.

According to my 24 hour urine collection, I do indeed have pre-eclampsia. Mild, but there. My BPs have been "behaving" around 140s/80s with rest. But they have definitely creeped up over the course of the 3rd trimester. Pippa is passing her non stress tests, and we are getting a growth scan to make sure these BPs are not effecting her growth, and will be getting our second round of steroid shots JUST TO BE SAFE. But she is behaving and seems content.

So what now? They want to send me home. They feel like as long as I rest and relax, I can hopefully keep the BP levels down and keep other symptoms at bay. For now I am ok with this. I have an amazing support system of family, neighbors and friends who will be helping with Ava, and I SHOULD be able to keep my feet up and rest for a little over 3 weeks. I have a REALLY bad issue with sitting still, but at least I will be sitting still in the comfort of my own home. I will have time to get caught up on all client sessions, album designs, and maybe even catch up on some online workshops and such that I have purchased but been unable to watch due to being so busy. Pippa is MAKING mommy slow down and breath for a few weeks. So far I have had some AMAZINGLY understanding clients (helps a lot of them are doctors and nurses). I think that was one of my biggest stressors I was dealing with when trying to get my head wrapped around any form of "rest".

As far as treatment and care plan:

2 day a week non stress tests with Dr. P with 1 day  week lab draw to watch my liver enzymes, creatinine,  and platelet levels. If these go up they are indicative of liver problems, and reasons to deliver earlier. As of right now they are all within normal range. My only abnormal levels are my BP and my proteinuria (Protein in my urine) which these two alone are enough for a Pre Eclampsia diagnosis. So no need to retest my urine, BUT I will be doing BPs frequently through the day at home. Any indication of increased readings, symptoms getting worse (swelling, vomiting, right upper quadrant pain, headaches that don't go away with tylenol, vision changes, etc) I am to call the doc or go directly to L&D triage.

Goal is still May 25th delivery, but we are preparing for anything at this point. We obviously don't want any NICU stay, and especially don't want an extended NICU stay, but the girls over there are already calling dibs on who gets to admit and take care of Phillippa, so I know regardless she will be well taken care of if she does get a short stint with them.

I have gotten asked NUMEROUS times in the past 24 hrs if there is anything anyone can do for me. So....what can you do to help? Well, I HATE asking for help, so even this is hard for me. If I had any requests, it would be food. Foster and I both cook, but I typically do the majority of the meals in our home. SOOOO it is going to be really hard for me to NOT want to cook for my family every day especially since the kitchen is RIGHT THERE. So anything would help, premade meals I can pop in the oven easily, freezer style or crockpot style meals that can be made easy, gift cards for food, etc. I HATE feeling useless, and one of my biggest ways of feeling like a true mom and wife is by feeding my family. So this will be my hardest challenge to the "resting" issue.....because lets face it, no one REALLY likes cleaning;-) lol. If you are interested text, private message, etc and I will give you more details. We have no allergies, and the only food Foster won't eat are mushrooms.

Now, I am also up for company. Because we are going to be TRYING to maintain some normalcy in Ava's life so she will still be going to school so I will be home twiddling my thumbs Mon, Weds, Fri. So company is always welcome:-) I can't promise I will be showered or the house will be clean LOL, but I am still good company.

And of course last but most importantly, PRAYERS. If you are too far to visit, don't consider yourself a chef and afraid you would poison my family, above all else we need prayers! Prayers my BP behaves, prayers my labs remain normal, prayers Pippa behaves, prayers for my sanity as I take this much needed rest, and prayers my hubby and daughter survive this "Jabba the Hut" mommy LOL. Because if I don't shoot myself from boredom, My hubby may kill me out of annoyance;-) (JUST KIDDING, I am having NO thoughts of harming myself and Foster would never hurt me...don't call the police;-)

Problem Child: 31 Weeks and In the Hospital

SO it looks like Miss Phillippa is going to be my problem child. She has been lovingly dubbed "little stinker" by me:-)

Yesterday I was watching my niece and Ava but felt "off". I decided to nap while the girls did, and still didn't feel very good. So before leaving Bug's house for the day, I had her take my BP. I purchased a manual BP cuff because I don't completely trust digital cuffs, and my years of taking BPs I figured I would trust my own ears better than the digital readings. Well, my sister, the NICU nurse got the following readings:

160/90 Left arm
155/95  Left arm 10 mins after "resting" on the couch
150/95 Right arm after resting.

Yeah......not good.

So I called my doc. I just wanted to go to their office and have my BP checked and maybe a urine dip to check things out, but instead she sent me straight to L&D.

First few readings at L&D showed high (140s/90s) but with resting they quickly started going into normal range (120s/70s). Of course they would. All I was doing was laying around. They drew blood, monitored Pippa for 2 hrs, and she behaved this time, gave me a 24 hr urine to go home with and instructions to return today around 5pm to turn in urine, monitor Pippa again, and recheck BPs.

I had originally had a regular prenatal appointment set up for this morning at 8:30 with Dr. P. I was getting Ava ready for school, getting myself ready for my day, and started feeling "off" again. Nauseated, dizzy, head ache. So I sat down and took my BP digitally. It came to 170/95. Then I threw up. Waited a few mins and then took it again but manually this time: 170/100.

GREAT. So off to my appointment I went.

My doctor came in VERY quickly. Checked my BP, rechecked my BP and both times were high. So we started talking.

OBVIOUSLY when in the hospital and doing NOTHING my #s start looking great! But how is that going to work outside of the hospital? How am I to keep my BP in check when just doing normal activity gets it to skyrocket?

Dr. P wanted to send me to the hospital for 24 hr observation again. First starting in triage. If my BP didn't want to come down while being monitored there, then we would be talking delivery sooner than later. If it DID come down, then we would be monitoring me on antepartum floor with frequent checks on Pippa, frequent BP checks and more blood work to find out if this is pregnancy induced hypertension or the dreaded Pre-Eclampsia.

So here I sit. My BPs were not critical like some of the readings we were getting earlier today, but they are still higher than normal. So no delivery today THANK GOD!! But we are monitoring and waiting for labs and my 24 hour urine to be done tonight to determine if A) this is Pre-E or B) if this is pregnancy induced hypertension.

What happens if Pre-E? Most likely admittance till delivery (hopefully still 4 weeks from today instead of sooner) but they will need to keep close eyes on my BP and blood work and if either becomes critical, it will be a quick delivery via c-section.

If Hypertension? HOPEFULLY it is something that can be treated with some BP meds and "taking it easy" for the rest of the pregnancy with the hopes of making it till May 25th.

I am praying for the hypertension, but JUST IN CASE, they have administered my first steroid shot for Miss Pippa's lungs, which would hopefully equal a shorter NICU stay. But I am also praying for it for my own sanity. Although I will do ANYTHING to get this child here safe and sound, and I know some people, like my mom would rather me be admitted till delivery, I would go INSANE. Any of you who know me in real life know I am busy all the time. Have a zillion things going on, and i THRIVE on that. So sitting still for 4 weeks would be killer. BUT I will do ANYTHING for Pippa, just like I would do ANYTHING for Ava:-) But man oh man will I miss home.

So if you are the praying type, I have always been told by my mom that pray specific and you have a better chance at getting those answered:-)

Pray for NO pre-E
Pray for med controlled hypertension
pray for sending home and resting
pray for delivery at 8am on may 25th like planned:-)

I will keep updating as I can.

First AND Second Trip to the Hospital

Well I was all ready to post an entry about the fun trip to Cincinati that Foster and I had for our baby moon, but then 2 times in 4 days I have ended up at the hospital, so I thought it may be a bit more important to update everyone on Phillippa and I.

Thursday evening I was finishing up dinner with the family, when I had the worst tightening, take my breath away, pain in my abdomen. I was nauseated, felt like I was going to pass out, poop, and throw up all at the same time. I looked at Foster and said "I have never had a contraction in my life, but if I had to guess what one felt like, I think that was it. With 2 csections, and only being 28 weeks, I knew it was dangerous for me to be going into labor at this point. I called my doc.

The "contraction lasted about 3-5 mins, and according to my doc sounded more like a braxton hicks since they weren't coming multiple at a time, it was only one, and it was a little abnormal in terms of length. She wanted me to rest and hydrate and see if it helped and if I had more than 4 in an an hour, call her back. Well, we spoke too soon. I started having similar feelings every 8-10 mins, then 6-8 mins, then 3-4 mins apart. Dr. T decided I needed to head in to make sure I wasn't in full blown labor, dilating, or risking my c-section scar.

While waiting for my sister to pick me up to take me into L&D while Foster stayed home with Ava, I was packing a bag and taking a shower JUST IN CASE, and the contractions were coming every 1.5 mins. I was starting to get a bit anxious.

LUCKILY, they were able to make them stop after a few hours. After testing everything they could to make sure I wasn't in active labor, they administered a bolus of fluid, and some magic pill by 5am I was released with the instructions to take it easy, keep hydrated, and i may experience more contractions, but at least I know what they feel like, and know when they get fast and furious to call or go in.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was at the office editing, and left to head to a routine doc appt. Well, if there is anything we have learned from my pregnancies, is they are NEVER "routine". OF COURSE this time I didn't pack a bag, I didn't even lock up the studio before I left because I was headed back after the appointment.....or so I thought.

When they took my BP it was a bit elevated. They wanted to send me over to L&D to monitor my BP and test for Pre-eclampsia. If you remember I mentioned that with Ava my protein count in my urine was only 3 points short of being positive for Pre-E at 34 weeks. I never had to address it, because we ended up delivering before any issues came up. So to be on the safe side they sent me into the hospital. I figured, no big deal, they will hook me up, monitor for an hour, and send me home by dinner time.

Best way to make God laugh? Make plans;-)

I had about 15 mins left before the labs came back to let me know how things were when the doc walked in with an u/s machine. MOST people would be ecstatic to see their baby. Well I knew it was not a good sign. LOL. Sure enough, little stinker had a decent drop in her heart rate while I was having a bit of a contraction. (These are known as decelerations, aka decels). It automatically got me 2 more hours of monitoring. They did the u/s to make sure the amniotic fluid was still up to par, because one reason for decels is low fluid.

Fluid looked great, so I just figured, no problem, she accidentally sat on her cord, and will be fine in the 2 hrs. The first 1.5 hrs she did GREAT!! The last THIRTY MINS of the monitoring she dropped 3 times. Great!! That got me 24 hrs of monitoring in the wonderful ante-partum unit.

I am officially  1hr from busting out of here now. We are finishing up my 24 hr urine to make sure my protein levels are ok and I am not pre-eclamptic, Phillippa behaved over night, and they were able to take me off the monitors aroun 11 this morning which was nice because I got NO SLEEP thanks to the belts and beeps and every time Pippa moved the nurse had to come and find her on the monitor again. LOL.

I was on a clear liquid diet last night "Just in case" they had to take me back for a c-section last night. I was opening my apple juice and looked down at the container:

Yes Stinker!!! May 25th is your scheduled c-section date. That is the day you are best by!! Don't even think about coming early!! 

Here is to praying that this was the most excitement we have between now and May 25th. I am willing to do whatever it take to get her here safe and sound, but after 24 hrs in the hospital, I have NO CLUE how women do bed rest for MONTHS. I am ready to bust out of here. 

Look forward to posting about the baby moon soon:-) 

Gender Reveal and Update: A Bit Anxious

If you missed the announcement on my facebook page, or don't happen to follow me, we did a sequel Short film to our pregnancy announcement video.

Needless to say, we are thrilled!!! Ava is so happy, and cannot wait to be a big sister. 

As for the anatomy scan. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks already!! For the most part everything looks ok. 

There was one point of concern. Babe has a marginal cord insertion just like Rosalynn had. 

What is a marginal cord insertion? 

Without boring you with all the medical jargon, a normal umbilical cord is inserted in the center of the placenta. In this case, the cord is inserted at the edge of the placenta. It happens in around 7% of pregnancies, usually when dealing with multiples. I guess I am just the lucky one who it has happened in 2/3 pregnancies. 

Of course this makes me incredibly anxious. I TRY not to think about it, but in the autopsy of Rosie's placenta, it was dead ON THE SIDE OF THE CORD INSERTION. Placentas dying towards the end of a pregnancy is not uncommon, but the center insertion allows the cord to draw from the rest of the healthy placenta. She didn't stand a chance because of the insertion point. 

According to the high risk doctor, it is a common occurrence, and and usually causes no issues. I begged her not to quote statistics and tell me everything SHOULD be ok. I am one of the people that makes a statistic a statistic.....I HAVE BEEN THE STATISTIC.

So what are we doing? Nothing different. We were already doing extra monitoring in the 3rd trimester, so we are just staying the course: U/S at 28 weeks and then every week at 30, then we have non stress tests starting at 30 weeks. Delivery at 35. 

Went in this past Weds, and baby still sounds great!! We get another u/s this next friday, and plan on bringing Ava, so she can see her little sister again:-) 

Anatomy Scan Tomorrow!!!

This past week has been the time in pregnancy that I wish I didn't know everything I do. Being in the baby loss community, and photographing babies who have a terminal diagnosis, I have seen and heard it all.

In my pregnancy groups, everyone is so excited about finding out the sex. Of course I am excited about that, but if it were up to me, I would wait till birth to find out (but I will explain this later). Instead of being focused on the sex, I am praying for a healthy baby.

This whole week I have had nightmares about the scan tomorrow. So far, my baby has had Limb Body Wall complex, no kidneys, CCHD, hydrops, and a stroke in utero. (Do not Google these things if you don't know what they are, some will scare you). Like I said, I have seen and heard to much!! I know the statistics are in my favor to have a healthy baby, but my anxiety and history of loss has me terrified. Please, if you think about it around 11:30 tomorrow, say a little prayer that everything is OK:-)

As for the sex. The reason I am finding out tomorrow is kind of morbid. We kept Rosalynn a surprise. We wanted to find out the day she was born. Well, I found out I was carrying a girl the day we found out her heartbeat stopped. The one thing I regret is she never heard my voice call her by name. So for Ava and this baby, I needed to find out so that if anything happened to them, they would hear me call them by name even if only ever through my belly.

I warned you: morbid. Ahhh how I wish I was naive through pregnancy again!!

Unfortunately for all of you, you won't know the sex of the baby for about another  two weeks. We need to film and edit the pregnancy reveal video. Hopefully Foster, Ava and I are able to keep the secret;-) lol

Past the Halfway Mark!!!

It is so strange having as close to a "normal" pregnancy as possible. I haven't written much because, well, there isn't much going on. As of today, I am past the half way mark in my pregnancy!! Delivery date set for May 25th, which puts that 17 weeks, 2 days away, and I am officially 17weeks, 5 days today:-)

The funny thing is, we started planning for our October trip to Disney for Ava's 5th birthday, and it has taken my mind off of being pregnant, which I think is helping the time go a lot faster!!

I have felt slight movements. I can feel "FitzPippa" pushing when he/she don't like how tight my waistband is, if I am too far on my belly while laying down, and when Ava sits on my lap and puts too much weight on my belly.
We find out the 5th what we are having, and going to have the anatomy scan!!! Prayers for a healthy baby!!!




Symptoms: Nausea still first thing in the morning if I don't eat within the first 30 mins of being awake.  But for the most part, the majority of 1st trimester symptoms have eased up. Some heartburn if I eat spicy foods.

Food cravings/aversions: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!! YUMMMMMM

Gender: next friday we find out if we are having a Fitz or a Pippa
Belly button in or out: Still in 

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn and Avaleen, Really can't tell if there are new ones. I LITERALLY look like a zebra from my 2 girls. 

What I miss: sleeping without getting up 15 times to pee:-) 

What I am looking forward to: feeling stronger kicks and movements!! Next friday to find out the gender!!!

I will do a few more gender prediction tests before Friday...just for fun:-) 

HELLO 2nd Trimester!!

Wow!! Got really busy through the holidays!!
Christmas was amazing, spending time with family, resting, taking a break from work, spending extra time with Ava. It was so mice, I didn't want reality to start back up today.

I am OFFICIALLY in the SECOND TRIMESTER!!!  This past Wednesday I hit 14 weeks. Another milestone passed. It is a big step for most moms. The risk of miscarriage goes down, some moms start feeling baby move, the heartbeat becomes easier to pick up the heartbeat on doppler, etc. I live my pregnancies one milestone at a time, celebrating a new day, a new occasion in the pregnancy. Thanking God for another day/week/month with this sweet baby!!

It has been a little rough, because I was HOPING the symptoms would start easing up. Instead, I still throw up almost every day, and the migraines have started back up. I am trying to figure out what is causing them: hormones? certain foods? bad sleeping position? I have a chiropractic apt coming up, a massage apt next week, and TRYING to stay away from drugs to help them. I have been using peppermint oil which has been helping a LITTLE bit, but they are still pretty debilitating. Migraines are no joke, and I have always felt bad for my friends who suffered chronically from them, and this is why. It put me OUT. I can't play with Ava, can't be on my computer for work, barely want to talk to anyone, and have to stay away from lights:-(

I also started a "diet" (more eating habits) that is supposed to level out my blood sugars. Since headaches can be a sign of diabetes. The new eating schedule should help maintain my glycemic index. Hopefully this will help me feel better, but ALL I have craved this pregnancy is carbs: cereal and peanut butter sandwiches!! lol. (sweet cravings point towards girls right lol;-)

ANY suggestions will be taken into consideration, so please, lay it on me.

Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas season, and spent quality time with family, since that is truly what is most important!!!

12 Week Appointment and First MFM Meeting

As the U/S tech prepared the wand my heart started pounding. I always get so nervous that there won't be a heartbeat. But sure enough, a few seconds, and there it was!! Flickering away!! Baby jumped and and moved all over the place. It still blows my mind how much detail is seen when baby is only 2 inches long. Big forhead just like Ava, skinny arms and legs with hands and feet. It was hanging around upside down when we first started watching, so we got ot wait a while until he/she decided to lay on their back so the tech could get the measurements for the trisomy testing.

So far all the major issues that could be picked up this early are in the clear. Baby has a brain, all arms and legs, etc:-) The neck and nose measurements point towards no Trisomy problems. Next in depth scan is on Feb 3rd (where we will also find out the sex.

NOW.....you know me, I have all sorts of tests and theories on sex prior to finding out. I had the tech zoom in a bit to examine the "nub". She says she is really good at guessing gender with it. So she was 85-90% we are having a............

You will have to wait and see;-) LOL. (Adam and I are planning the gender reveal sequel to the pregnancy announcement). And we will confirm for sure sex here in a couple weeks.

I will post a picture, and you are all welcome to guess if you are good at reading nubs;-)

So after talking with the High Risk Doc, here is what we know, and our plans for this pregnancy:

Looking back at old labs, I was FOUR POINTS from having pre-eclampsia with Ava (My #s were 296 and Pre-E is 300). I turned in my 24 hour urine for analysis the day we gave birth to her. So the odds are if given a few more days, I would have developed Pre-E with her. In order to help prevent this from happening again, I have been put on a low dose aspirin, and will be getting a baseline 24 hr urine now.

We already did a gestational diabetes test at 10 weeks and I tested negative. But because I had it with Ava, we will be testing again around 18 weeks, then again at 24 weeks.

I will have an U/s every 4 weeks between now and 28 weeks, then every week to monitor amniotic fluid levels, since that was our reason for delivering Ava so early.

We will start non stress tests around 28-30 weeks twice a week.

DELIVERY AT 35 weeks (End of May).

I might as well set up a cot at my doctor's office;-) lol

I thank God every day that I have a team that is truly willing to do EVERYTHING possible to have this baby here and alive.

Here is my adorable, tiny babe:

Nerves are Setting In: 12 weeks

12 weeks:
Symptoms: Nausea in the morning with vomiting most mornings. Exhaustion, sore boobs, and need to pee ALL THE TIME. My gums have started bleeding again while brushing (I had this issue with both girls)

Food cravings/aversions: The problem is nothing sounds good. I eat for my health and the baby's, but i am having no real cravings, and I will cook something, then only take a few bites. 

Gender: Won't know for a while, but finally have names picked out: Fitzgerald Rose or Philippa Rose

Belly button in or out: Still in 

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn and Avaleen, Really can't tell if there are new ones. I LITERALLY look like a zebra from my 2 girls. 

What I miss: My wedding rings. I had to take them off a lot earlier this time. I miss wine and sushi. lol but those things are easy to give up when you think of the end result. 

What I am looking forward to:
The scan tomorrow to see little bit is ok, and thriving. 

SOOOOOO close to the end of the first trimester! I know we have seen this babe 3 times, twice with a strong heartbeat, but I get soooo nervous before each ultrasound. Tomorrow we go in for the 12 week scan.The one where they take measurements to decide baby's risk for Downs Syndrome and other Trisomy disorders. 

Of course genetic issues are a worry. I help with a WONDERFUL ministry that assists perinatal hospice pregnancies (fatal diagnosis pregnancies) Sufficient Grace. I have seen it all. I am ALL too aware of all the problems that can arise. Neural Tube defects, anomalies there are no cures for, heart and kidney defects. UGH! Sometimes I wish I DIDN"T know so much. 

But then there is the fear that they will put the wand on my stomach and there is no HB. I have unfortunately heard those words when gestationally the odds were in our favor. This past week there have been NUMEROUS girls in my support group go in for their 12 week scan and baby had passed.

We get to meet with the High Risk doctor tomorrow as well and discuss the care plan. I am excited about this, and will update you all when we have information. 

Please just send prayers for peace in my heart, that baby is ok and healthy, and that we make it to the next milestone (2nd trimester). 

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God. 

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

What is in a Name?!?! Boy and Girl Name Revealed!!

Oh what is in a name? It is a HUGE decision a parent has to make for their child. Unless they go through the legal process of changing it, a child has to live with their name for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. ----No Pressure;-)

Foster and I put a lot of thought into the names we choose. We want them to be strong names for adults, but have a cute nickname for when children.

Rosalynn Patricia (Liam David had she been a boy): We wanted an Irish name, but I have ALWAYS loved my sister's middle name (Rose). Even though she HATED IT! Patricia is my mother's name. Rose in Gaelic is "Roshin", or "my little Rose", but the English translation is Rosaline. We liked Rosalynn better:-) Nickname: ROSIE

Liam we just really liked, and being the gaelic shortened version of "William", it means "Protector". Fitting for the oldest son.

Avaleen Rose (Would have been a Declan Rose if a boy); OBVIOUS where we got the middle names from.
Avaleen is the pheonetic version of the Gaelic name Aibhlinn, but i figured NO ONE would know how to properly pronounce it, so we spelled it phonetically. It means "Much Prayed for Child" Which if you followed this blog through the pregnancy with her, you know she was VERY much prayed for by all!!

Declan Rose: Liam had started to really take off as a popular name, so we opted to change the boy's name. Since I didn't give Foster a choice on the girl's name, I let him choose the boy's. This was before Revenge ever aired, and he chose it because there was a rugby player with the name. LOL. I looked up the meaning: Man of prayer, Full of goodness. I loved it:-) And although Rose was the middle name, "Declan Rose" had a very masculine, strong sound to it. My family wasn't THRILLED with the name at first, but then it grew on everyone. I STILL love it, but thank you Revenge for making it the fastest rising name for boys in 2012-2015.

So what are we naming this little one? Well if she is a girl, she will be named after my Granny who Rosalynn is buried with.

Granny and I were EXTREMELY close. She was my soulmate, my best friend, my right hand woman. We were two peas in a pod. I have always wanted to name a girl after her, BUT she HATED her name. She threatened me that if I ever named  a daughter after her, she would haunt me till the day I died. Not only did she hate her name, she HATED the nick name everyone called her. BUT thanks to one very famous British sister, I found an appropriate nickname that Granny would have LOVED.

Philippa Rose: Phillippa was Granny's name, and there was a whole story behind how she received it. Her friends called her Phil. She HATED both. But THANK YOU Pippa Middleton!! If anyone wasn't aware, her real name is Philippa. So when I read that in People magazine, I was about 7 months pregnant with Ava. I WANTED to change her name sooooo bad, but had already become attached to Avaleen. So I vowed over 4 years ago, that if we had another girl, we would name her Phillippa, and call her Pippa for short.

Foster and I had SUCH a hard time picking a name for a boy. We loved Philip in honor of my Granny, I don't think we plan on having anymore children, because it is SOOOOO difficult on me. With so many losses, and hard pregnancies, I am not sure I can go through it again. But we haven't decided if we are going to make it permanent. If my docs advise after 3 c-sections that it is unsafe for me to have more, we will make it permanent, and he will be named Philip David. If they say we can have more, we will see, and then I don't want to use Philip, because if the next one is a girl, she will obviously be Phillippa. So we had to have another name lined up. We went back and forth, back and forth. But FINALLY settled on a GREAT name!! I actually love it, and it makes me excited to have a boy. (I get excited when I have a name picked out, but am anxious for the sex I don't have a name for until then).

Fitzgerald (middle name TBD: Rose is top contender): We would call him Fitz for short!! I LOVE IT!! LOL. I love it more than Liam and Declan!!

This is such a fun part of being pregnant, but truly a stressful part. I am glad Foster and I were able to agree on both names with no big arguments;-)

SO what will this baby be?!?!?! A Pippa or a Fitz?!?!? Now I am truly excited to find out!!!

Gender Predictor #2

Another fun gender prediction test people look at is the Chinese calendar. I did this one for Ava, and posted it HERE Obviously, from her post, the calendar said she would be a boy, yet it said Rosie was going to be a girl. 

I entered in my info to this website: 

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/chart/pred.html

It is hard because we physically conceived end of September/beginning of October. So for the sake of the test, I said October because if the typical woman ovulates 14 days into her cycle, I would have conceived in October. 

So according to the site, I am having a BOY. 

So as of right now, the odds remain 50/50 between the 2 tests. 

Boy: 50%

Girl: 50%

Baby Nora, Ava Gets Practice for Being a Big Sister

I mentioned in a previous post that my sister, Bug had a BABY!! Yep, that's right, my little, baby sister is a mom. And I am TOTALLY IN LOVE!!!!

I feel a special bond with little Miss Nora because I was able to be IN the OR when my sister had her c-section. Kate was there for me when Ava was born, and I was able to be in with her!! I was the 4th person to hold Nora, and she looked at me like she recognized my voice when I said "Hi" for the first time:-)

Ava is OBSESSED. She asks regularly when we get to see "Baby Nora" and talks about how she is going to be baby Nora's best friend. Ava has really stepped up to the plate of being a big cousin, and getting a lot of good practice on what is to come. We watch Nora every Tuesday so my sister can sleep after working the night shift. She lays on the play mat with Nora, and makes her stop crying by singing "OOO EE OOO AHH AHH TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG". LOL We are convinced those will be Nora's first words because Ava has been singing them to her since birth, and it actually makes her stop crying and smiles at Ava every time. She will read to Nora, and play with her toys with her. It is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. It makes me SOOOO excited to see Ava as a big sister.

Ava and this baby will be about the same age difference as Bug and I. We are a little over 4 years apart. I remember the day Bug was born. I loved her from day one, and I cannot imagine my life without her. I pray that Ava and this baby have the same bond!

So without further ado, here are some pictures of my beautiful niece! For the record, she was one of the most difficult newborns I have ever photographed. She has not liked to sleep since the day she was born!! LOL

**all photos taken by me:-)**