Since we had had 2 early losses, my Dr. Wanted to keep an eye on the pregnancy as early as possible to give us a heads up of impending m/c or to ease our minds. With Ava we did the same thing. I had my first u/s at 6w4d and saw her tiny heartbeat. So when my doc wanted me to have my first u/s at 6w2d, I was hopeful to see SOMETHING. If no heartbeat yet, at least a fetal pole, yolk sac, something. Well, unfortunately, there was only a sac. No yolk, no fetal pole, no heartbeat. And I was only measuring 5w5d.
We were a bit devastated. We had been down this road twice already. Empty sacs, and measuring behind. Both ended poorly. My doc wanted me to come back in 7 days to check if it was another loss, or if baby grew. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be in town in 7 days, and the first date we both had available was nov 17th, my birthday.
My doctor was hesitant. She wanted to know if I really wanted to risk bad news on my birthday. I thought about it, and realized Nov 17th had been a lucky date. It was Ava's original due date. It was also the date we found out my sister was pregnant with baby Nora (I will do a separate post about my beautiful niece). So I figured let's do it. It would either be the best birthday gift ever, or a really bad day, and Foster could take me out for dinner and drinks after.
Immediately after the appointment, I had to head out to South Carolina to celebrate a friend of mine as she got married to the man of her dreams. 8 hr drive I almost didn't do after the not so great news. I sat in the parking lot in the midst of an internal struggle with myself:
Not go, and crawl into my bed for the next 12 days. Surely Amber would understand if I didn't come. But then again she may be sad if I didn't show up. I tend to get anti social and want to hide when things get tough. I honestly think it is a habit I acquired after losing Rosie. I could escape reality into the safe place of my home, and not have to face life.
Or I could suck it up and go, see some old friends, make some new ones, get my mind off the situation, and hope to have fun.
I sat in that parking lot for about 1.5 hrs. Until the clock ran down to the minute I HAD to leave in order to make the rehearsal dinner.
I went. The ENTIRE 8 hours I prayed. I had the radio on Christian radio stations (thank you XM) and rotated between music and scripture. Praying, crying, singing, pleading, and even accepting His decision if this baby was not going to make it. It was cathartic and exactly what I needed.
Thanks to a major traffic jam 20 mins from my destination, I was about 15 mins late for the rehearsal dinner, but ended up making it! The food was great, and the company was even better. If you remember me talking about my friend Laura in this post: http://journeyoflifeandluv.blogspot.com/2013/09/virginia-beach-mini-vaca-photos-photos.html?m=1
She was there, and it had been forever since we had seen each other. And of course in true Erin fashion I met a new friend, Crystal who is also a photographer and we hit if off. After chatting with her, it came out very early that Crystal has experienced a lot of loss as well, and we were able to connect.
Overall the weekend was a success. It was a beautiful wedding, I got to geek out a little with my photographer friends, and it kept my mind off of the stress for 3 days. But something interesting happened the first night I was sleeping.
I has a VIVID dream. We went to a u/s tech place that had better machine. They were able to zoom in really far, and there was a little peanut waving at me. As clear as day, a little voice said "I am ok mommy". I woke up from my dream with a sense of peace. Like it was the sign I had begged God for in the 8 hour trip.
Sure enough, on Nov 17th, at 1:30 in the afternoon, my doctor started the u/s, and the first thing she saw was a heartbeat!!! It was the most amazing feeling!!! And to top it off, we were measuring exactly on track at 7w6d! It was indeed a VERY happy birthday!!!!
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and
lean not on your own understanding;"