My Family!!

My Family!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut Any Longer!

WOW!! There is soooo much controversy over the loss of Michelle Duggar's baby girl in the general population, the baby loss population, AND the infertility population.

I wasn't going to write about any of this, but I feel like I have read and seen too much to keep my mouth shut! Unfortunately, her pregnancy, loss, and now memorial service is becoming BAD publicity for the Baby Loss Community instead of raising Awareness like soooo many of us have been trying to do.

First, there was controversy when she conceived:

I read comments from the infertility community stating "she has 19 kids already, is pregnant AGAIN, and all I want is ONE!"
~I understand the want to bring home a child, and the pain and envy that courses through our hearts when others get pregnant so easily...HOWEVER, just because so-and-so gets pregnant with their 5th, 10th, or even 20th child...they did NOT steal that pregnancy from an infertile. Just because they got pregnant again, does not mean there is one less baby allowed in this world. Her pregnancy does not effect any of our current, past or future struggle with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc.

The stillbirth/preemie community made comments such as, "Didn't her last pregnancy with Josie teach her it is time to stop?"
~ Yes, Pre-eclampsia stinks! Yes, she is more at risk with future pregnancies...should she have called it quits? Probably. But, she got pregnant again, and instead we all should have just been praying for this new life instead of judging.

I expected comments like these from the general population, because they don't know any better. To many of them take getting pregnant/staying pregnant/healthy babies/pregnancies and raising children for granted. However, I was soooo upset to see these comments from my baby loss/infertility community, because Michelle WAS a BLM prior to losing Jubilee..she had a miscarriage with her 1st or second pregnancy that made her and Jim Bob  vow that they would have as many children as God would bless them with.

Then she lost Jubilee:

I noticed those same people who made negative comments now having feelings of guilt....but then there were comments that REALLY pissed me off! One in particular came from a support group of mine (not specifying which one or who said it, so don't ask) "One preemie, and one think she would take it as a sign from her body to stop."

Really?!?!?! I have 1 stillbirth and 1 preemie under my belt. Should I take this as a sign to stop having children? I know I don't have 19 others, and I am not in my 40s, but the woman's body is made to carry children...MANY children. My grandmother had 13...with a few losses in between. I know tons of Amish families in my home town that have close to 20+ children...and I am sure they have all experienced losses, and many of them continue having children into their 40s. IT IS NOT OUR PLACE TO JUDGE. Instead of giving the Duggars grief, who are financially supporting all of these children without government help may I add, why don't we say something about these families I see come into the ER with 4-5+ children, no jobs, on welfare, and pregnant AGAIN??!?!?

Even worse, there were people in the world who pretty much CELEBRATED the loss of this baby girl. I cannot even imagine being Michelle. My heart goes out to her. To have people ridiculing you and celebrating your loss when you are going through the most difficult thing a woman could go through. I know this is one of the downfalls to being in the public eye, but this is sooo upsetting that the public would be this cruel.

Then her family decides to have a memorial and pictures taken by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, an amazing organization who specializes in maternity and newborn photos of terminal pregnancies and babies that are born still:

This is where I had to finally put my foot down and write. the photos that were taken are beautiful, tasteful, and memories that the family will cherish forever. I don't care how small or early Jubilee was, her family deserves to preserve those memories, and we are not in any place to judge. Our modern, western society does NOT know how to handle death. In the Victorian ages, they used to pose their dead on couches and take pictures with their living relatives sitting next to the deceased. Babies born still and even infant deaths were photographed in their mother's arms and in their cribs. These books were cherished by their families.

Death is talked about and celebrated and REMEMBERED in other societies. Dia De Muertos (The Day of the Dead) is a Mexican Holiday where families celebrate and remember their loved ones. But in the US, we are expected to "get over it", "move on", etc. Moving on does not mean we need to forget or get over it! Luckily my friends and family know better than to tell me to "get over" Rosalynn. One person had the nerve to tell me this about 3 months out from my loss, and they were met with one angry momma!!

This whole situation which could have been used to help raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss has bred nothing but negativity. I feel as if the whole baby loss community is being bashed through this process as well.

I am heartbroken for Michelle, and I hope she stays away from all of the negative comments. I hope she never reads them and just revels in the good memories of her precious baby girl.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Bless This Child!

Today was such a bittersweet day. Today was Avaleens Baptism.

Over 19 months ago we were sitting in a hospital room surrounded by family and friends while an on call Catholic priest baptized our beautiful stillborn daughter, Rosalynn. He allowed Foster to do the honor of pouring the holy water over her tiny head with a pretty little sea shell while saying "I baptize you Rosalynn Patricia Foster in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." You can read the whole account of her baptism here. (but I warn you, bring a tissue:-)

After this day, we were unable to sit through a baptism at our church without crying. It pained Foster and I that we would never be able to bring our daughter, Rosie into the church to baptize her. We were heartbroken.

Today was different. Today we walked into the church's sanctuary instead of sitting in a hospital room. Today we dressed our daughter, Avaleen, in a beautiful white dress with lace roses on it in remembrance of her sister as opposed to dressing our daughter in the one and only dress she would ever wear. Today, as her godfather, Ky, held her over the baptismal fount, Father poured the holy water over Ava's tiny head with that same small sea shell. Instead of tears of sorrow, I was shedding tears of remembrance and joy.

I glanced around at ALL the people who were present. Each person who stood in that hospital room were once again standing around us in the church, along with many others, and I felt the same thing today as I did on that mournful day of April 20th 2010. I felt the love and support pouring out of my friends and family, and I once again felt the Holy Spirit surrounding all of us as we celebrated this little child. It was as if Jesus...and Rosalynn were standing amongst the crowd and smiling upon us. I am truly blessed!

Bug and ky (her god parents with Foster and I)

All that joined us at the church (there were tons more @ the Meet the baby party!)

We are soooooo blessed!


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